Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Dear Alcohol

* I received this e-mail today from a friend - only the short response at the bottom is original.

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be
there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with
you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have
much substance or necessity. Why would you make me
call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they
DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
[ washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries ]? I'm
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But,
the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
proper precautions are taken [ water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin ] prior to going to sleep/passing
out [ face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn or wherever. The hangover should be minimal
in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. [
pre happy hour ] on your possible solutions. And
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some
interest to you.
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Response from Alcohol:

All your requests are denied. I rule you. You are now required to shoot tequila off a stripper's breasts every Thursday.

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