Monday, October 18, 2010

Medicinal Porpoises

I ended a long run of success in the field of doctor avoidance last Friday, when I finally cracked after a long bout with parental pressure and visited the offices of Passport Health here in Greenville.
We are taking our family trip this year to Costa Rica and I was in need of a vaccine or eight, having not experienced the lovely sensation of being jabbed with a needle for seventeen years. My doctorless streak was a little shorter, dating back to a 1998 visit caused by the fact that the Court Ridge pool at that time was the only place on the planet dirtier than my friend Tim's favorite pornos. Apparently, chlorine can only be expected to do so much in the war against bacteria.
My absence from medical clinics really dates back from childhood trauma that occurred whilst in the office of my personal physician, Dr. Fairey. There are indeed certain effects on a child's psyche when a man named Fairey grabs your balls and asks you to cough. I'm not going to blame the guy for turning me gay or anything, but I figured I should continue to avoid doctors just to be safe. God knows what else they would do to me, right?
On Friday I found just exactly what they could do, breaking my long fast under pressure from my mother, who steadfastly refused to forget that I had not been given a vaccine for twenty years or that I was traveling to a country that along with rain forests and volcanoes, possesses many opportunities to obtain a vast array of exotic diseases.
Passport Health, which I visited in order to attain my vaccination, also managed to remind me of the dastardly dangers Costa Rica holds. As soon as I met my doctor she presented me with a portfolio on the country which explained the 250 different ways in which I could possibly fall ill or die during my tropical vacation. I'm hoping for dengue fever - I've never heard of it and I always wanted to be the first person on my block to die from something.
After having the life scared out of me by the pamphlet of doom, I agreed to four vaccinations (as well as a prescription for malaria pills). I wasn't too worried, thinking they would spread out the shots over a couple of trips to the clinic. Naive me! It turns out that they are legally allowed to pump various weakened viruses into my arm like I was a heroin addict in dire need of a week's worth of fixes.
I was then led into a room where two women awaited. I imagined one would give me the shots while the other held me down and covered my mouth so that the people in the lobby would not hear my anguished screams. Instead, they did the good cop, bad cop thing. One spoke to me about a book I was reading while the other jabbed my arms with pointy things. I highly recommend the technique, as I was distracted and hardly noticed the application of my many-flavored vaccine cocktail. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the deed was done and I had experienced hardly any discomfort.
I have to say that all in all my experience was a good one, the doctor was very pleasant and helpful. She gave me vaccines for Hepatitis A/B, typhoid, and tetanus and managed to do it without causing me discomfort or giving me Herpegonasyphlaids. Despite their best efforts, though, I'm still pretty gay.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Bowfinger 2: Going Down and Collumbia Bound

20th century Faux Studio announced today that filming has finally begun on the long-awaited sequel to 1999's hit "Bowfinger," starring Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin.
According to studio executive Richard Steele, the movie had been held up by poor scripts and an inability to convince Martin and Murphy to do another picture in the series. All that seemed to change only six months ago when the most recent rewrite of the script reached Steele's desk.
"Thanks to our great writing team we finally found a vehicle that could support the talents of Heather Graham, the only one of the actors from "Bowfinger" who had signed on to do the second film. I think you will agree "Bowfinger 2" is one of the most original screenplays in years."
The sequel will be called "Bowfinger 2: Going Down and Collumbia Bound" and features Graham, reprising her role as Daisy. The character of Daisy in "Bowfinger" is a bit of a whore who uses her seductive powers and lithe body to sleep her way all the way to the top during the production of a movie directed by Steve Martin's character Robert K. Bowfinger. Graham has boldly resisted the urge to avoid being typecast during her career, also playing a whore in "From Hell," "Austin Powers 2, "The Hangover," "Boogie Nights," and "Swingers."
In "Bowfinger 2" we find Graham moving on to bigger and better things. Nowadays Daisy, whose last name we discover to be Halley, has parlayed her success in Hollywood into a political career in her home state of South Calorina.
She yearns to one day be the first female governor of the state, but the old boy network appears in front of her like a brick wall to stop her progress. Halley is forced against her will to go back to her old ways, having affairs with politicians on each rung of the ladder in the Republicanian Party in order to advance her ambitions.
Halley starts at the very bottom of the barrel by having sex with a mere blogger by the name of Will Fulks (played by Viggo Mortensen) and moves on to the upper echelon with other trysts, including one with a lobbyist, Larry Merchant (played by Bob Costas).
Her open legs open doors and soon she is battling for the Republicanian nomination for governor. Saboteurs within the party don't want a woman to win and suddenly reveal Halley's affairs. Republicanian party hack Jake Notts (played by Abe Vigoda) also tries to use Daisy's half-Indonesian background against her, calling her a camel jockey.
The scandal threatens to destroy the Halley campaign. Daisy, hurt and confused, goes for a hike on the Appalachian trail to clear her mind. While there, she meets a mystic named Mark Samford who, after getting to know her carnally for a day or two, tells her what she needs to know to defeat her foes. Thanks to his sage advice she manages to win the nomination. For fear of ruining the last five minutes of the movie I will stop here, but some questions remain unanswered.

Will our hero Halley beat her opponent, the Democritic Vincent Sheehan (played by Gary Oldman) and become governor? Will she move on to greater heights, even the White House? Who will she screw along the way? Carl Rove(played by a bowl of jello) or Rupert Murdock (played by Satan)? To find out what happens next, make sure to be the first in line for tickets when "Bowfinger 2" is released in December of 2011.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Historical Name Game

In the past I have brought you my all-star teams for football and baseball composed of the greatest names in the current game. Today we will travel back to the past for Part One of a several part series detailing the greatest names in the one hundred year plus history of Major League Baseball. Without further unnecessary bullshit intro here is the starting nine for players with last names starting with A, B, or C:

1b: Davey Crockett - Davey was king of the wild frontier, fought at the Alamo, and even found time to compile twenty nine hits for the 1901 Detroit Tigers.

2b: Putsy Caballero - Putsy, real name Ralph (is that worse than Putsy, why would he accept this nickname) played several years in the 40s and 50s for Philadelphia's Phillies.

SS: Creepy Crespi - a Cardinal during the early years of World War II, Creepy doesn't actually look as Creepy as Birdie Cree (pictured above, he did not make the team - hopefully he won't bring his zombie ass to my house seeking vengeance), who just so happens to be the player pictured above.

3b: Jim Cockman - I'm just a sucker for a Cockman I guess. Soak that sentence in while you learn that Jim played a bit of third for the New York Highlanders back in the year nineteen aught five.

OF: Coco Crisp - a modern member of the team, I have discussed Coco in some depth before and shan't again as I bore of the subject terribly.

OF: Milton Bradley - see Coco Crisp.

OF: Frank Buttery - Frank and his buttery nipples patrolled the outfield for the Middlestown Mansfields in 1872. Damn the Baseball Encyclopedia has some obscure shit, someone will have to tell me where the hell Middlestown is and what a Mansfield might be outside of some chick from the 50s with boobs large enough to disrupt the Earth's orbit.

C: Matt Batts - such a baseball appropriate name, I had to give Matt,a backstop for several teams in the 40s and 50s, the nod over runner-up Hick Cady.

Utility: Stubby Clapp - possibly my favorite name of all time the Clapp had a short stint with the Cardinals ten years back.

P: Emil "Hill Billy" Bildilli - if it weren't for the existence of the Big Unit, this WWII era Browns pitcher would have questionably the greatest baseball nickname of all time.

P: Jung Bong - such a short career for this guy, who must have gone into Ricky Williams-like retirement, that he has never made my all name team despite pitching for the Braves just a few years back. Let's hope he comes back for another hit or two.

P: Boof Bonser - see Milton Bradley.

P: Sugar Cain - Sugar's real name was Merritt so you can understand him being okay with a nickname so corny Coke could use the run-off as syrup for their sodas for time eternal. He pitched for three teams in the 1930s American League if you give a fuck.

P: Phil Collins - Phil, a national leaguer who toed the rubber for three clubs in the 20s and 30s was born long before the singer, so you can understand if he does not want to change it - because he's not the one who sucks.

Ultimate UT: George "Nig" Cuppy - Cuppy could play the field and pitched quite well, racking up twenty wins for several years as a Cleveland Spider mound man. The 1890s were different times however, and Cuppy seems from his picture to have earned his nickname from the fact that he was, oh let's say, a bit ethnic during a period when blacks were not allowed to play professional baseball. I guess he just slipped in under the "just a good tan" rule.