Monday, July 6, 2015
Once upon a time, on a dark night in the heart of the Tetons, hushed tones woke me from my light slumber. The previous evenings had been hot and sleep hard to come by. My roommate and I had decided to leave the front door open to welcome the cool night air. Only a thin screen door protected us from bears, bats, and boogie monsters. The first quiet words seeped into my drowsy ear, enough to let me know that the next hour or so might be interesting. My next door neighbor, a person named after some sort of fruit, was in trouble. As it turns out, Banana? had over-indulged on a variety of alcoholic delights over the course of several hours. The flashing lights of an ambulance attested to the extent of the damage. A park ranger interviewed those involved in her fall as I listened from my bunk. Grape?, a very small-statured woman checking in at less than five feet and a hundred pounds, had downed a fifth of vodka as part of an experiment to see how fast she could destroy her tiny body. Her body responded by showing her how fast it could expel the toxins, putting on an exhibition of Linda Blair quality vomiting before collapsing in a stupor. The ranger politely suggested to Canteloupe's? friends that maybe they should not allow her to drink all the booze in the world, at least in one night. Worry not those of kind heart, Kiwi? survived the incident unscathed, although her behavior resulted in collateral damage. Her suite mate was arrested for marijuana possession when the ranger noticed a skunky smell emanating from her room. The girl's boyfriend later claimed the weed and both were fired. Surely there is some bit of wisdom to be gleaned from the wreckage of this human train, but I'll just assume that for those of you literate enough to have read this far such lessons are too obvious to bother writing down.