Thursday, November 8, 2007

A Marriage Proposal

I have worked for over ten years in the restaurant industry. Much of that time I have spent working in weddings and banquets. I have also attended numerous weddings for friends of mine as well as family members. What lesson have I taken from witnessing and taking part in these happy moments? The obvious need for more divorces.
Although this statement seems callous and uncaring, I believe divorce is a necessary evil. Why? Because we need more weddings! This insane idea of being married only once limits us. A daughter’s wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life. All your friends have gathered to honor your special day. You are a superstar. How many chances do we get to have that spotlight shine upon us? Why should we enjoy that day only once? If you have already had the happiest day of your life, where else do you go from there? The rest would just be downhill and that is just way too depressing to contemplate.
If, on the other hand, we had the opportunity for multiple weddings there would be myriad opportunities to have an equally good or even better happiest day of your life. So it rained on your first wedding day – who cares! Maybe the D.J. made out with your mom in the restroom – screw it. Some guy trampled your grandma and broke her hip on the dance floor – forget about it. You still might get it right the next time! If not (maybe there was arsenic in the cake this time) just keep trying until you fix it! Everyone deserves a second chance including your girlfriend who was pregnant at the last wedding and was unable to get drunk. Maybe you can even marry her this time around.
Okay, you are saying, I see your point. But we are industry employees, stuck working most weekends and not getting to benefit off these good times. We may not have the dough required to put on one these bad arse marital shindigs that you are suggesting we partake in over and over again. Most industry employees do not work at these fancy country clubs where most wedding receptions take place. Why would we want to support you batshit crazy idea? I am so glad you asked. Since you were so kind as to wonder I am willing to inform you as to where you fit into the scheme.
You may think a wedding is just a church ceremony and a reception afterward. Not true at all! There is a rehearsal dinner, bachelor and bachelorette parties, and the bridal party lunch-in. All of these events often take place in regular old restaurants. The kind where you and I make our hard-earned money.
Who is going to be there when the ten blasted chicks stumble into your place of business with necklaces made out of plastic penises draped around their necks? You are - and you are going to make a lot of money. Who tips the best? Is it the grumpy old man with the tar-blackened dentures? Or is it the group of people having the time of their lives?
Unless you spend some time under the table improving that grumpy old man’s outlook, the people who arrive happy will always tip you better, not to mention the fact that they are a large group (or party in industry terminology) paying a large bill. It is probably not going to be hard to sell them booze is it? My plan calling for more divorces and marriages will bring you as an industry employee and endless supply of high checks and huge paydays.
Wow, that was a brilliant argument you are no doubt thinking. What can I do to help advance your ideas? First off, I suggest you work to convince anyone you know that is married to get divorced. It matters not that they are enjoying wedded bliss and have no interest in splitting up. They can just get married to one another again. This is not a problem. As I have previously stated, it is an opportunity to perfect everything that went wrong with the first wedding. In addition, they can get all their friends and family together – people they love but never get to see. Uncle Phil who was in prison for illicit philandering with nuns back in 1998 can make it this time! How exciting is that!
Secondly, work to legalize gay marriage. We are missing out on a large portion of the population that wants to get married – and then divorced – and then betrothed once more. Why neglect a substantial portion of our population and their potential to enrich us? That would be nearly as foolish as buying a Justin Bieber album, although not quite. Finally, take good care of every customer who comes into the door. You just never know who will be walking down the aisle next. Oh – and polygamy would probably help too – but more about that some other time.

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