Thursday, November 15, 2007

Ode to Nad Nerreh

As I sit down to my comfy seat here in front of the laptop, I wonder to myself what should I write to appease the literary yearnings of my vast audience (three people and one of the cats - Fantasy and Sierra won't read it because they think I am pretentious). Should I write a poem - probably too serious an endeavor for me to undergo? An essay on politics - there surely is much humor in that, but would my bitterness take over and suck the funny out? I promised in an earlier post that I would soon jot down my thoughts on polygamy - so why not? Too easy? Well I ain't Bill Shakespeare so I don't believe there is any such thing for a writer who can barely go five words without a grammatical error. I sure spell good tho don't I folx!
A Short History of Polygamy: Most men believe polygamy was begun thousands of years ago by the first guy whose wife said she was too tired or had a headache. Women of course dispute this, saying they liked to have help with the dishes and since Ookluk was always off hunting, they tricked him into getting some extra wives to help around the house.
Both sides would agree that it was a great concept in terms of increasing the odds of procreation. Polygamy has been practiced in many cultures over the years, even in America, where it was known as "Joseph Smith is a pimp-daddy"(aka Mormonism). Although accused of treating objects like women, many polygamists have tied their need to have multiple wives/orgasms with God's desire to populate the world with more of their offspring.
Polygamy has since been outlawed in the United States - even the Church of Mormon has banned the practice. Fortunately, classy individuals like Warren Jeffs (of incest with a twelve year old fame)have managed to keep Polygamy alive in small, rural desert communities in the Southwestern US. Is this right or is it wrong? I will now get on top of my soapbox and tell you - but I warn you - I am prone to changing my mind multiple times (maybe I could have a wife for each personality/belief system that inhabits my mind....).
Pros. I think the major pro comes to most of us pretty quickly. Clearly its the idea of getting laid every night and having a choice of who that lay will be. No more headaches or complaints of tiredness - just give wife one the boot and bring wife two to bed. No six months without intercourse when your wife is pregnant. For many of us that is only a dream worthy of a MLK speech - a dream that the legalization of polygamy could cause to come true from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli (the US owns all those places, right?).
One would think that point would pretty much settle the argument, but oh there's more! How about this killer fact? You can have enough children to field your own basketball team! That's right, your kids can travel the globe playing exhibitions against the Harlem Globetrotters and other teams like the one the Trotters always used to beat. I always wanted to be able to field a pickup game any time when I was a kid. Trust me, your kids will love the ability to do just that! And don't forget - every time you get married you get to have a wedding! See "A Wedding Proposal" for more information on the benefits of multiple weddings.
Cons. Okay you tell me, I am convinced, no need to hear the other side. Just hear me out tho, you may be upset if you just run off and use your omniscient control over the American government to legalize polygamy so quickly. First off, we have not had legalized polygamy since the Feminist movement. What if we go and make it legal and women want to have multiple husbands? It could happen! And who wants to be a man stuck in that situation? Sloppy seconds with your wife? No thanks, man. I would pass on that one.
Let's say tho, that we get lucky and this legalized polygamy is for men only. How could that be bad? First off - you suck in bed. Do you want six women telling you that instead of just one? Okay maybe you would be able to get over it by having massive amounts of sex - hell maybe the practice will improve your less than mad bedroom skills.
If that argument doesn't fly let's look at another strike against big love. Perhaps you are poor - or once you have six women and thirty children to support you will be. Is constant sex worth living in the projects amidst squalor and screaming kids? Add five wives and picture the "Every Sperm is Sacred" scene from "Monty Python's Meaning of Life." This polygamy thing is not necessarily designed for those less well off than say, Hugh Hefner.
Hey, you say, Warren Jeffs isn't rich and he did it. True enough, but he also resorted to marrying a twelve year old so you might have to consider the possibility that he is fucked in the head. On the other hand, if you fail to have any progeny, everyone will know whose fault it is - it ain't likely that you have six barren wives, homeskillet. In addition, what about your multiple wives? You have one wife now and she bitches you out all the time for being late, not calling, failing to do some insignificant chore, etc. Would you want there to be six of her? I think I would rather let Medusa put her head in my lap - the odds of the pleasure overcoming the pain might be better.
So now that we are armed with all this information, what can we conclude about life in a polygamous household? On the upside, you will be five times as likely to say "Bitch, get in the kitchen and bake me a pie" and have someone listen. On the downside, the same comment is five times more likely to get you slapped so hard that your head spins around like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist."
So you decide - polygamy or no polygamy. If you decide yea than please immediately contact Lindsay Graham. He will work to get it legalized right after he finishes getting that gay marriage thing bill passed with his good friend "wide stance" Larry Craig.

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