Monday, November 26, 2007

Home for the Holidays

I want to start by apologizing to my reader for the lack of a post here last week. I was home visiting my family and I failed to take the time to realize that this website is very important to my fan - whoever he or she may be. Anyway, since you have forgiven me and chosen to continue reading let us proceed.
Seeing my family over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday made me ponder how important they are to me as a person. I also realized what a momentous occasion the Thanksgiving dinner is and how I look forward all year to that day.
Sadly, though, this event only lasts one day. How can we integrate this great feast and our love for our family into something that gives us that special feeling year round?
We all take pictures, but they can only start to tell the story, to give us all that feeling of closeness we yearn for in our hearts. Home movies have the same shortcomings and are usually ruined by a gaseous uncle (it is better that some memories be forgotten).
I have a suggestion for a tradition that will add the necessary permanence to the holiday. We should cannibalize one of our relatives every Thanksgiving. What better way of remembering your relatives than by dining on them? They will be with you always as fat in your body. No more jars of ashes cluttering the mantle. Every time your stomach grumbles you will remember them. Besides, aren't you sick of always eating turkey? The tryptophan makes you so tired you miss the late football game.
So how do you choose which relative to slice and dice and enjoy over a bowl of rice? Well that's up to you! It is your family Mr. Dahmer, tailor the tradition to fit its peculiar composition. If you want to be lame, just draw straws. Or you could eat the one that is the oldest. Now you won't have to pay for that awful nursing home they don't want to live in anyway!
How about ingesting the richest member of the family? You and your relatives can finally see who is in the will! Eat the poorest - now you don't have to support his/her lazy ass!
Think, your cousin has eight children. Sure kids have less meat, so maybe it would be better if you ate two or three of them. Their mother will thank you when the time to pay for college comes around.
Whomever you chose to eat, you'll have an opportunity to have that family member with you forever - a Thanksgiving to remember. Maybe next year you can carve up a relative and stuff him or her with another relative - just like a turducken. Regardless of who you choose to butcher or how you choose to prepare them, make sure you don't forget the cranberry sauce, Dracula!

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