When Sports Nuts Bust Their Shell

The Bastard Piper is an award winning reporter from somewhere in the devious and demented hills of North Carolina.

Guest blog column

By: The Bastard Piper

If you ever thought some people take sports a bit too seriously, maybe you should give your face-painting Panthers’ fan buddy at the office a break. At least he’s not Matthew Kowald of Pardeeville,Wisconsin.
Kowald was arrested Jan. 14 for a parental sports blooper of Hall of Shame proportions, when he duct-taped his seven-year-old boy to a chair in their home after the child refused to wear a Packers’ jersey during the team’s playoff game against Seattle on Jan. 12.
The 36-year-old Cheesehead is apparently not very sharp (a double pun intended as a play on the cheddar product and former Packers wide receiver Sterling Sharpe! Sharpe played for the Packers in the late 80s and early 90s and was very productive but his promising career was cut short by a devastating neck injury in 1994, a tragedy really, when you think about his talent and potential. I think he is a broadcaster for NFL Network now or something, so I’m glad to see him doing well, because he seems like an intelligent, quality human being, unlike Kowald who is a total fuckwad).
Anywho, Kowald then proceeded to duct tape a jersey onto his son while he lay trapped in the chair for an hour, no doubt wishing that Packers’ Linebacker AJ Hawk would rush in and sack his lunatic dad.
I can only imagine this very sick man muttering to his young son, “Don’t you embarrass me in front of Brett Favre boy, or I’ll fix you really good next time!”
The sad fact is this fanatic probably thought Favre could see him through the TV and would be judging the team loyalty of him and his family. “Must…not…upset…Favre…No. 4 jersey…too important to the cause.”
Did he perhaps think that coercing his child into donning Green Bay gear would cause him to establish a positive connection with the green and yellow?
“Gee thanks dad, I shouldn’t have resisted such a fine fitting jersey. The team really needs my unwavering support, and this negative karma could cost them a trip to the Super Bowl. Oh, and could you apply more duct tape to my elbow, the sleeves are peeling off a bit.”
Since star running back Ryan Grant wasn’t around to phone the police and save the day, the boy’s mother dialed authorities to report the incident and issued a restraining order against Kowald. She showed pictures of the incident to authorities snapped by her cell phone camera, so it is unlikely Kowald can challenge the call.
His illegal contact will likely back him up a full hundred yards or more away from his family, and officials also slapped him with a $186 fine, making this one costly penalty.
Kowald referred to the duct-taping incident as a joke and said his son was laughing with him, but if that’s how he plays nice with children, I’d hate to see him when he’s angry. I mean, what if the Packers had lost that game?
“You no root for Green Bay?” “Kowald Smash!”
Sadly, his son will now forever associate football with violence.