Monday, January 28, 2008

Henry VIII - The Early Squirrelly Years

There have been many television shows and movies done dealing with history over the century long life of the two mediums. Books, as well, but they are way too long and require the pointless effort of reading. One example of historical enlightenment brought to the masses on a glowing box or screen is the life of Henry VIII, which has been dramatized countless times over the years, most notably in the movie "Anne of 1000 Days" and the current HBO series, "The Tudors." You certainly cannot blame Hollywood for wanting to use this story, for it is full of the intrigue, the romance, and the fascinating characters/total prostitutes that drive the greatest cinematic classics. The problem with turning life into a movie is that the reality inevitably gets thrown under a speeding Greyhound bus along the way. Here then, is the real story of one of history's most pleasantly plump tyrants. Be prepared for the occasional attempts at humor along the way. I may not have said anything funny so far, but it is just a matter of time unless you are just a cold, heartless bastard. Mel Brooks hasn't taken his shot at turning this story into a tale of the Jewish people yet so I thought what the fuck, let's do this thing.
First of all, was Henry always a corpulent slob, munching on a never-ending series of overloaded trenchers until the first Big and Tall store was created to deal with his unique fashion needs? In fact, he was actually quite a handsome, fetching lad during his youth. With a pretty nice ass to boot, I would rate him an 8.4 on the dude scale. Who would you rather trust, a historian or a flaming homosexual on this point? He was not as hot as the guy who plays him on the HBO program, that guy gets a 9.7 (a here is my phone number and address type rating). Congrats to straight dudes who survived those sentences with their manhood intact; I will move on now to the crux of our tale. Henry was not originally the heir of his father, who happened to be named Henry as well. His dad was the seventh because according to Sesame Street's The Count, this number comes before eight. The firstborn son of Henry VII, who was the first of the Tudor dynasty, was actually named Arthur. There has never been a king of England named Arthur, so guess what happened to that guy? Yes and I know after reading that you will say, but what about the King Arthur who had the magician named Merlin, the dirty, cheating tramp wife Guinnevere, and that round table? Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams, but that is a bunch of bullshit. Never happened. Most of it was written in a story called "L'Morte d' Arthur" by a freaking French dude hundreds of years after the Anglo-Saxon invasion used in the Arthur stories.
Anyway, this is a story about Henry VIII, so quit getting me off topic or we will never find out if Henry gets married six times or not. Our future monarch became the 2175 butterfly only in 1502, when his older brother died of diabetes, consumption, or a hantavirus (ask Web MD for further info on hantavirus, I am not a damn doctor Jim) at the age of fifteen. Hell, it could have been all three, even the rich people had crappy doctors back then and your autopsy was performed by the same guy that cut your hair. Full insurance coverage wasn't enough to save Arthur's behind. As a result, besides becoming first in line for the throne of England, Henry got the opportunity to bang his brother's wife. Daddy Henry, however, was a little bit creeped out by the idea and objected to his son going ice fishing in the same hole used by his elder brother. Since Arthur was around the age of puberty at the time of his death, it was unknown as to whether he had been icefishing there yet (this is how we talk about sex when the kids are around). Catherine claimed, in fact, that no pole had previously been dipped in her waters and she was wide open to the future possibility.
It was not long, though, until Hank VII was no longer calling the shots, which kicks ass because it is confusing to read/write about two people with the same name - I for one am glad he is about to exit stage left. So, in the year 1509, Henry VII passed away of a broken heart due to the loss of his first son and his wife seven years earlier. Apparently, it takes a really long time to die from a broken heart. I always wear a condom in hopes that I never acquire the condition.
The result of his delayed, yet tragic demise, was a new monarch for England and the beginning of the "Dallas"-like soap opera that would be the reign of Henry VIII. The king was immediately married to Catherine, cementing the alliance between Catholic England and Catholic Spain. Surely they would enjoy a lifetime of marital bliss. Of course, the monkeys from "The Wizard of Oz" might also fly out of my buttocks. Stay tuned for the epic conclusion, which will be a combination of all the greatest episodes of "Days of Our Lives" and "Dynasty!"

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