Tuesday, January 8, 2008

My Party (not that kind you worthless drunk)

Hey kids, its that time again. Every four years we have the opportunity to elect a new president of the USA. The leader of the free world. As usual we are faced with a bunch of losers and no-talent ass clowns to choose from, not to mention, only two viable political parties. That is, of course, a bunch of crap and damn near utter bullshit to boot. Now I could spend the entire length of this piece telling you how much the Republicans and Democrats are a bunch of skeezers who totally suck the anus of a six-toed Ecuadorian sloth, but what kind of a leader would I be if pointed out problems without having a solution of my own? That would be hypocritical, which of course puts me halfway to the qualifications necessary to becoming a politician. Since, however, I am a man of principles, I have come up with a platform for a new party that is destined to bring our country back to the lofty altitudinous heights of yore.
First, our new party must have a moniker. I most humbly suggest the Happy Bunny American Patriot Unicorn Freedom Party. All six words in this title bring a sense of ecstasy not experienced since my last trip on the stuff. Only a man or woman nearly consumed by their own evil hatefulness could vote against bunnies or patriots or freedom or parties or any of those other words I put in our name. Already we have a huge advantage as a party. Most people hate Democrats, Republicans, or both and almost no one can tell the difference between a democracy and a republic. Certainly these two parties are no where near as kick ass as unicorns.
Now that we have a name for our political party, we are going to need some issues. If the HBAPUFP is going to fool the American public into voting for it, we must at least pretend to believe in something that can get them fired up. Here are some suggestions:
1. Legalize drugs. In the words of JB, the tyranny and the bullshit have gone on far too long. Neither of the two major parties are pushing this idea in their platform. Since most of the people I have worked with enjoy a narcotic of one kind or another, I feel there is room for a political entity push the pro-legalization agenda. At the very least we can get the free publicity of a "High Times" cover. Hey idiot, you tell me, people who are high all the time never get out to vote. Well calm down there chopper, I have a solution. The HBAPUFP will provide free munchies and incense at all polling stations. I smell the oncoming approach of victory!
2. Vacation Days. After an eight year presidency which witnessed our fearless leader taking more time off than any executive in our long history, Americans are asking the question, when do I get mine? Well with the HBAPUFP in power, every day the president takes off is a national holiday. In addition, there will be a lottery before every holiday where the winner gets to name that holiday! Who wouldn't get excited about celebrating Magical Fairy Poop Day with a margarita out by the pool?
3. No taxes. We will pay for all government expenses with magic beans. Cancel that, apparently the Republicans have already taken that idea.
4. End the BCS. What a bunch of garbage to not have the championship of college football decided on the field. And if you don't think the American government should be meddling in sports go ahead and tell the US Congress they can't have their 209809209th hearing on steroids. I vote a 256-team playoff with all games held at Furman University. Maybe then they will quit bitching at me to make a contribution to the Alumni fund. *Reader Dan Herren suggests that employees not be required to show up until 10 the day after big football games. Great idea Dan!
5. No more new TV stations. Seriously, if we are showing marathons of "Different Strokes" there is no longer any available programming to fill all these time slots. Maybe a channel exclusively for midget porn, but after that the HBAPUFP is holding its ground on this issue. Oh and note to Coca-Cola - polar bears and penguins live on different poles so quit showing them together in commercials or I will make Pepsi the offical drink of the White House.
6. No more corporate sponsorships. Seriously, I do not want to watch a game at Home Depot Stadium. Screw that. I could not be more aware of McDonald's or Bank of America if I had their corporate logo tattooed onto my penis. And no damn commercials before movies! Is nothing sacred anymore? Time has come to return to a better era when nothing was labelled and we just figured shit out for ourselves instead of being told what to buy. (I will accept beer sponsorships for the White House if free kegs are involved)
7. No more army. Seriously, in recent years we have only used it to make the world more fucked up. Let's put our manpower to use creating things instead of destroying them. We can have a military again when we show that as Americans we have grown up enough to use it properly. If this makes the HBAPUFP a bunch of pussy-ass hippies, than so be it.
8. Increase pollution. Some people in the Democrat Party would tell you that global warming is a bad thing. This is a bunch of crap. According to recent estimations, when the ice caps melt the new shoreline should be somewhere around my front yard and I am sure many of you out there would benefit from shorter drives to the beach. Hell some of you will actually live in the ocean. I am talking beach front property brother and a serious rise in property values. We need to hurry up and melt those motherfuckers so I can get my tan going for the spring. Seriously, I bought a bunch of beach chairs and a paddleball set, let's get this done
9. More nuclear power. Not only does nuclear power burn cleaner than coal and gas, it also provides those who draw our comics with loads of material. Where would Spiderman or the Incredible Hulk be without the cleansing touch of radiation? Hell, Marvel Comics wouldn't even exist. Picture the new ads: the touch the feel of radiation, the fabric of our lives. Something like that anyways.
10. Health care. Look I already legalized drugs, just go get them. Doctors are even more over-rated than Ohio State. Hypochondriacs go nuts! Now you can diagnose yourself. Congrats you have every disease there is!
11. Gay Marriage and military service. This of course will be encouraged. It is unfair that the two things that make heterosexuals suffer the most - wives and generals - are verboten to the Friends of Dorothy. Under our watch that will of course change. No man or woman, regardless of sexual preference, should be allowed to miss out on the fabulous possibility of being bitched out by a loony spouse or an incompetent commanding officer.

Hopefully this platform will get all of you stoked about the HBAPUFP. If you have any other ideas that will help the party, please feel free to add them in the comments section and get out and vote on the 26th if you live in South Cacolacky.


Anonymous said...

you had me at unicorns and the legalization of drugs. One suggestion: add the word bacon to your party name. Everybody loves bacon, even vegetarians.

R. Mera Velásquez said...

Hilarious. PS: In Ecuador voting is not a register-and-vote-if-you-want... EVERYONE MUST VOTE regardless of whether you can read or not... and there's like 17 parties. Consequences: people elect eventual dictators and Chavez-like regimes only to be overthrown by hoards of angry Incas (the latter something I hope will happen soon). That's why I hate politics but love elections... they are hilarious.