Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Power of the Waiter to Change

It is time for a NEW YEAR. As the calendar rolls over to 2008 we have a chance to make some changes to our lives. We start things anew. We make resolutions for change. Why do we think we can fix things we have spent so much time screwing up? You could call it pride, hubris, or the foolish need to have some sort of power over lives that are clearly spiraling out of control.
Of course, when you think about it, the 1st of January is just another random date – other cultures (Jewish, Chinese, etc.) turn over their calendar at a completely different time of the year. Now that I have convinced you beyond a doubt of the meaninglessnessability (see last month’s article) of making resolutions for the New Year, I will make some for myself that encourage all members of the service industry to try to keep. Hey, I revel in a challenge, what can I say?

1. Always make a witty response when your table says something rude. Do not fear the possible repercussions. My favorite example is the table that does not acknowledge your existence as a person. You come to the table for the first time and ask them how they are doing. The woman in the pink dress and the designer purse looks straight past you into some alternate universe where drinks and food appear for her without any human contact and says, “Sweet tea.” Now the normal response would be to punch her in the face and leave, but that is uncivilized and might stain your table cloth if she is so inconsiderate as to allow her nose to spurt all over it. Instead, say something like, “I am feeling pretty Coca-Cola myself,” and walk off for five minutes to let that sink in before you take their drink order. Hopefully, this will minimize any future douchebaggery on their part.
2. Set fire to all biblical pamphlets given to you as a tip. Do so in front of the tipper. Seriously this gets on my nerves probably more than anything. I was raised a Christian. I have read the Bible. What about me being a waiter might cause them to think differently? Do horns sprout from my head when I approach their table? I do not recall a passage in the holy book detailing how members of the service industry are heathen scum and worshipers of Satan. Did the waiter at the Last Supper screw up the order? Not that I remember. Could it be that we are going to hell because we work at a place that serves alcohol? Well for Christ’s sake they are eating there – wouldn’t a boycott be the better way to go? That would be totally cool with me. Besides if I recall correctly, Jesus turned water into wine, not Welch’s grape juice. So, in conclusion, burn baby, burn.
3. No morning shifts. Seriously, lunch really sucks. I have to get up early, work just as hard, and make less than half the money. Plus, it totally messes up my social life, which is much more important than some stupid job. If I am going to have to stay out until four in the morning or later, I can’t be getting up at the crack of nine. I am not twenty anymore and can not be expected to perform without a good ten hours of sleep. These demands are absolutely outrageous and I can not be expected to live up to them anymore.
4. Kill the members of Silverchair, starting with the lead singer, whose head must first be set on fire followed by removal of the genitals by use of red hot pincers. Above is a picture of said singer so that you may identify him and do the genital thing on sight (or run away, whatever is your proclivity). I will now voice to you verbatim a vignette and verify my vendetta and yea verily vindicate this vilification wreaking my vengeance viciously (Remember, remember the 5th of November!) In other words, read the next post entitled "My First Music Review" below to understand my irrational hate (and then realize it is not so irrational after all).

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