Oops, A Spears Did It Again

The following is guest author Colin McCandless's take on continuing developments in the Britney Spears saga.


In the file under “What did we learn?” department, Brittany Spears’ 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn is pregnant. Apparently, she is “not—that—innocent” either and I’m sure just as prepared for motherhood as her elder white trash pop icon sibling.
Sweet old Jamie Lynn was apparently impregnated by the son of a Tennessee papermill worker with whom she goes to church. It seems the Christian values and teachings did not rub off on her.
This breaking news story draws me back to something I’ve said before. There should be a required aptitude test for baby making. A fair ride measuring stick of a “you must be at least this competent to procreate,” sort that helps prevent blithering idiots from furthering their seed and threatening normalcy and human decency as we know it with extinction.
You administer the Pregnancy Aptitude Test, or PAT, at age 10 and those that do not meet the eligibility requirements are spayed or neutered accordingly. This way, they are never allowed to become attached to their reproductive organs and won’t even notice they are missing!*
It’s the only logical solution to a problem that’s plaguing America: Stupid people bearing children. Now sure, there would be exceptions to the rule. It is conceivable that even a moron could produce an occasional prodigy, but is it really worth the risk?
Ninety-nine times out of a hundred the result will be a Brittany-K-Fed debacle that will spoil the chances of their kids ever living an ordinary existence.
These ruined youth will pass the tainted genes on to the next generation and the cycle of dysfunction will continue.
Can you imagine what Ashley and Mary Kate Olson’s brood will be like? Emaciated, toothless, self-obsessed runts that won’t be able to use the bathroom without a camera to document the event. It’s tragic really and the worst thing of all is that it doesn’t have to happen.
And that’s because if there were a PAT, the Olson’s and the Lohan’s and the Hilton’s and the Richie’s of the world would not be allowed to multiply. Much like a breathalyzer test, they would have no chance at passing the PAT.
Moreover, this test has implications way beyond the scope of this article and could potentially alleviate a lot of societal ills. Not only could it lead to the preservation of our culture, but also of society as a whole, since it would surely help reduce crime and poverty.
It would ease overpopulation as well and ensure that only the most qualified parents are propagating the species. Like Wilt Chamberlain.


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