Friday, February 15, 2008

The Romero Rules

Director George Romero is the godfather of the zombie genre. Those creeping undead, inexorably marching towards your house are his responsibility. Ever since directing the low-budget classic "Night of the Living Dead" in 1968 and "Dawn of the Dead" in 1978, Romero has established the rules under which the world of zombies operates. The famed director has another zombie movie, entitled "Diary of the Dead" coming out this month, so I thought it was time to take a look at what makes his creations tick.
So what are these creatures and what makes them act as they do (besides the instructions given to them by the director)? According to sources which cannot be named for national security reasons, the word zombie originates either from the West Indian word jumbie or the Bantu, zonbi, which when translated means student of the boring professor. These monsters are corpses that have been re-animated by some means - either supernatural or scientific (think Frankenstein but a wee bit less brainy). Speaking of brains, zombies conduct a relentless search for the tasty insides of the human skull. Former human and current zombie cook Emeril Lagasse recommends the medulla oblongata be preceded by a nice mango sorbet and accompanied by haricot vert and a creamy hollandaise sauce. For further recipes just visit his site at and go to the section entitled "Meals of the Mind".
Human beings who are bitten by a zombie, even if they survive the attack, will eventually become undead themselves. If you want to know what it feels like to be one of these creatures, just watch all of the "Police Academy" movies in order. By the time those wacky cops get to Miami for the fifth installment, you too will be covered in your own saliva and fecal matter, wondering where you can find a new brain.
What should one do when being approached by zombies? Well there is not much point in having a conversation with them, as they pretty much have a one track mind devoted to your cranial consumption. No matter how many brains they ingest, they don't seem to get any smarter. You could run away since they walk like they are drunk enough to be offered a contract with the St. Louis Cardinals. There tend to be a lot of them, however, making a confrontation inevitable. So, even if you are vegan peace-loving hippie it is time to grab the chainsaws, baseball bats, hammers, and any other assorted weaponry you have around in order to properly deal with the situation. Anything from the Medieval Period adds a huge "cool" factor, but it may be more practical to have a shotgun with unlimited ammo (these do exist, just watch any Michael Bay movie ever made for real life examples). After grabbing your armament of choice, you will want to shoot and/or batter the approaching undead repeatedly until all movement stops. Some zombies simply insist on pestering you for vittles regardless of any personal anatomical damage they might undergo, so remember - there is no such thing as overkill. Also if your friends get bitten, they have be dispatched as well. They will soon be seeking your frontal lobes as an appetizer alongside the rest of the buffet line, so it is time your friendship came to a conclusion. If you have feelings of remorse, just picture the friend having sex with your significant other. You will either be turned on or given the impetus you need to do the deed. You also may want to persuade the soon to be deceased buddy to put you in his/her will first if the time and legal documents are available. Oh and don't kill Rob Zombie, he is just a wannabe, not a real zombie. He might take it as a compliment - it is best just to ignore him.
Hopefully you are now equipped with the information you will need to deal with any potential zombies that visit you at home, at work, or at the mall in order to make important social commentary dealing with such issues as racism and consumerism. If you have any questions, make sure to call the Worchestershire sauce hotline at 867-5309. Further info can be found by watching such cinematic classics as "Zombie Chicks in Chopper Town." Good luck and Godspeed!

Zombies eat human flesh
Which part you like the best?

"Cats, Sex, and Nazis" by Nomeansno

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