Sunday, February 10, 2008
Polar Bears or How I Learned to Quit Worrying and Love Coca-Cola
I like polar bears because they are big and white and cuddly like a giant teddy bear. I want to love them and squeeze them all over until rip me in half like a rag doll and eat the meat out of my body like a man dying of hunger devouring the crablegs on a Chinese buffet, the blood shooting in spectacular arterial bursts reminiscent of a July 4th's fireworks show. Viscera would splatter to the floor, making abstract patterns of gore that even Picasso would be ashamed to call his own.
I was recently insulted by a commercial for Coca-Cola that featured my good buddy Ursus Maritimus (that is a fancy scientific word that means polar bear). This particular ad involved a cartoon bear of the polar variety partying hardcore and drinking Coca-Cola (a drug!) with a bunch of happy-go-lucky cartoon penguins on an animated and idyllic icy island (if you like ice, which these species do seem to). Red flags immediately went up in my mind and sparks of anger shot out of my body as lightning bolts fire from the fingers of the mighty Zeus. I am no scientist, but even someone as ignorant as myself can recognize a geographic impossibility. Penguins live in the South Pole and polar bears live in the North Pole. I would not care too much about this clear error if not for the fact that the commercial was clearly intended to be shown to children. Now you might say to me, "I don't know how you ever got out of your straightjacket, much less found a computer to post this on you freaking psychopath, but dude, it is just a cartoon, don't take it too seriously." I have to respectfully disagree, this is a matter of dire importance. We have to face it, our country is going straight down the crapper because the younger generation is the least intelligent we have raised up to adulthood since the 1800s, a bygone era when people were so mentally enfeebled they did not even know how to make TVs or cellular phones. We simply cannot afford to continue feeding such gross misinformation to our youth. They believe pretty much everything they see on TV or that they read in the papers (check that, they do not know how to read, unless you count the Harry Potter series). Some of them even used to think that words emanating from President Bush's mouth were occasionally true (see Iraq, original reasons for invasion of).
There is also the matter of the polar bear being shown as a playful animal rather than a cold-blooded killer. They do not play with penguins, but if they did they would use them as hors d'oeuvre's rather than companions at their raucous North Pole throwdowns alongside the more traditional fare of cute baby seals. Say your young son or daughter is walking down the street and sees a polar bear. They may start to engage in revelry with it, in imitation of the action depicted in the commercial. You would soon be making a gruesome trip to the coroner's office to identify the torn body of your deceased child. This ad is no laughing matter! Coca-Cola's ignorance spreading campaign must be stopped in its tracks before our children become caffeine-addled, polar bear-hugging, and geographically incompetent. We cannot allow the idiots of today to become the gruesome casualties of tomorrow.
P.S: I just saw on CNN that all the polar bears have fallen into the ocean because of global warming or some such liberal conspiracy theory. It is now okay to show them in fake situations since they are more like a unicorn than a real species. If Coca-Cola can arrange for a commercial where I dance with a cartoon polar bear and hug it and squeeze it, the corporate masters may be forgiven for the dastardly act ranted about above.