Monday, November 3, 2008
The Evil Countdown
With the passing of the devil's favorite day, Halloween, it suddenly hit me that I have spent way too much time here at Thoughts Askew focusing on the positive. Alas, there are some bad people out there who would try to ruin our lives, and end the worldwide party of peace and love that those of us who abide are attempting to perpetrate.
Today, we shall expose these bastards by putting them in a list, similar to the FAA's no-fly list, but with one million less entries, in order that I may finish writing said list before my personal expiration date comes to pass. To make this a traditional countdown, we will start with number 10 and move inexorably towards the number 1 spot until the evil thickens around you like a quicksand composed mainly of devil's food cake, death by chocolate, and other sinful creations. Occasional shout-outs to Dante (the medieval author, not the Detroit Lions quarterback who spells his name wrong) will pop up in the form of my own circle of hell punishments that must be administered to these fools if there any justice in the afterlife.
10) Rupert Murdoch. Founder of FOX networks and owner of just about everything, this d-bag is most especially loathsome for his creation of Fox News, which purports to be "fair and balanced," but makes Mussolini look like a whimpering socialist in comparison to their extremist right wing views. Ironically, the network, which spends all its time telling us how to be patriotic and pro-American, is owned by an Australian. Yep, Murdoch is from down under, yet another unscrupulous foreigner crossing over the Rio Grande to steal from us honest natives. Ole Rupert also recently made news by finishing 50 out of 50 in a list of charitable giving among billionaires. Kudos to our modern day Mr. Scrooge! For his sins, Murdoch shall be stuck in an endless line at a homeless shelter trying to attain food, but never arriving at the front, an evil Oliver Twist, with his belly rumbling in eternal agony.
9) Art Modell. Ask any Browns fan and they will tell you why he is listed at number 9 here in our countdown. I am a Bears fan, so I have no clue why he is on this list. I will allow the Cleveland folk to dole out their own punishment, perhaps forcing him to live in Ohio forever or something.
8) Robert Mugabe. This gentleman (I use that term loosely) is the lifetime dictator of Zimbabwe (the artist formerly known as Rhodesia). Once known as a revolutionary hero of the African people, Mugabe has become increasingly corrupt in his old age. The crotchety bastard has forcefully taken land holdings away from the majority of white citizens in his nation. While that may or may not be somewhat forgivable given the country's dark colonial past, the dictator has done very little for the native blacks either. Rather than redistributing the land to the people, he divided it amongst a handful of his political cronies. Zimbabwe is currently a place whose citizenry live in dire poverty, terrorized by the secret police. For no particular reason, Mugabe's punishment will consist of being surrounded by movie screens playing "Gigli" repeatedly until his brains drip from his eardrums in search of an escape from the madness.
7) Fred Phelps. You may not know who this bastard is, so prepare to be enlightened. Phelps heads a small group, mainly composed of, but not limited to, members his family. These people attend gay pride rallies and military funerals and attempt to incite the folks there to attack them. They hold signs like "God hates fags" and "Thank God for dead soldiers." Homeskillet's organization tries to use these banners as well as their incendiary speeches in order to incite the crowds to commit acts of violence towards their group. They then sue their attackers, funding their "church" and their sick lifestyle. Once Phelps enters the seventh circle of hell to receive his comeuppance, he will be entered in a spelling bee where he will be asked repeatedly to spell such words as "homoerotic" and "salacious sodomizer" (okay that is two words but I see no reason to let the guy off easy.
6) Steve Bartman. He knows why. Bartman, you are hereby forced to be a Cub fan for all eternity or until the space-time continuum is reversed and Moises Alou catches that doomed foul ball.
5) Radovan Karadzic. The mastermind of the Bosnian genocide was finally captured this year and will soon stand trial at the Hague. For punishment he shall have those annoying birthday candles that never blow out applied to his ball sack and lit, his hands will be tied behind his back so he can do nothing but savor the excruciating pain.
4) Pat Robertson. There are few sins worse in my mind than corrupting the Christian religion by using it to preach hate instead of love. Like the recently deceased and currently burning Jerry Falwell, Robertson has made a career out of this sort of behavior. His insane ramblings could be easily dismissed if the man wasn't a so called religious figure with thousands of ignorant followers hooked on every movement of his twisted lips. Want some evidence of Mr. Robertson's hate speech? Here are some gems. For those of you unable to get the link to work, savor a couple of excerpts:
"(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." –Pat Robertson
"Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –Pat Robertson, on nuking the State Department
For Robertson's work in the name of intolerance, he will be forced to become a lesbian living in Saudi Arabia for seven consecutive lifetimes.
3) Omar al Bashir. The relatively unknown leader of Sudan is responsible for the most heinous genocide of the new millennium, the slaughter of nearly half a million people (according to UN statistics) in the Sudanese region of Darfur . Bashir's government has attempted to cover up the killings, so the numbers could potentially be much worse. The International Criminal Court at the Hague currently has three charges of genocide, five charges of crimes against humanity, and two charges of homicide pending against Bashir. Upon expiration, the Sudanese tyrant shall be forced to roam the Sahara until he finds my brother's misplaced copy of Playboy's May 1997 issue.
2) Lowry Mays. This worthless assmunch founded Clear Channel Communications, the radio station-owning corporation that is responsible for the complete destruction of popular music in America. With ownership of over 1200 stations across the country and a stable of right wing talk show loonies preaching hate, May's company is responsible for almost every wrong-headed rumor not heard first on Fox News. Here is the money quote summing up CCC's commitment to fucking over America: In 2003 Mays testified before the US Senate that the deregulation of the telecommunications industry had not hurt the public. However, in an interview that same year with Fortune Magazine, he remarked, "We're not in the business of providing news and information. We're not in the business of providing well-researched music. We're simply in the business of selling our customers products."
For your misdeeds, Mr. Lowry, you are condemned to an eternity of listening to Rush Limbaugh warble Creed's "greatest hits."
1) Osama Bin Laden. I think most of us recall this SOB's greatest hits. If the afterlife is fair, hopefully he will get all those virgins after all. Only it turns out he is impotent and they have cocks that would put a donkey to shame and a propensity to use them on his naked booty. Oh, and in the afterlife he is a chick instead of a dude. I love the smell of justice in the morning!