Monday, November 24, 2008
It Ain't Thanksgivin Without No Grits
Thanksgiving is a holiday created by and for Yankees. I don't mean just the Evil Empire nine from New York, but the entire region of the North such as it existed in 1865 when history ended due to the unfortunate surrender of Robert E. Lee (everyone in Dixie knows Appomattox was a conspiracy, Lee would have never given up - I suspect a second gunman or a black helicopter or something). Massachusetts liberals dreamed up the idea many years ago and have foisted their culture on us in one of the most insidious flanking maneuvers of the culture wars.
Raised as a southerner, I have to wonder why we allow our regional uniqueness to subverted by this so-called tradition. There is little doubt in my mind that with a little tinkering, we can take this day, meant to celebrate our thankfulness for all that God has given us and taken away from the Indians, and make it our own. Southerners killed just as many Native Americans as anyone else, there is no reason we should be given short shrift.
What changes need to be made to add the required regional flavor? The meal is, of course, the centerpiece of the holiday, so any improvements should start with a full-frontal assault upon our taste buds. Some of our Southern neighbors have already seen the light and begun to fry their turkeys. A step in the right direction to be sure, but we must go further in our attempts to take back the day. First, go outside and fill the closest wild turkey full of lead. After plucking and dressing your bird, marinate the bird in sweet tea, fry the bugger in lard, and stuff her with grits n' gravy. We will eliminate the traditional mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and corn. French fries, onion rings, and fried cranberry sauce (try it you'll like it) will make for some tasty, healthy Southern treats.
Don't forget to prepare for the vegetarians as well. Always have a bottle of Wild Turkey on hand for those who don't eat the real thing! They will want to be part of the celebration, too.
The atmosphere in your home is also crucial to making the day a success. Plant a few confederate flags in your front yard to let everyone know that you mean business. I know this space is usually reserved for storing old appliances and rotting vehicles, but be flexible with your decoration - Thanksgiving only comes once a year, unless you are half-Canadian. Feel free to have a bonfire going in the back yard, your family and guests may need to keep warm, depending upon the weather. If you have a couple of wooden crosses sitting around the house, just use those.
Manners and hospitality are an integral part of our Southern Thanksgiving. Yankees are rude and impatient - don't allow any of that foolishness in your household. During dinner, wait for your elders to be served first, and give them some time to eat before you grab yourself a plate. Grandma and grandpa may have to share one pair of dentures and, if so, they will be a little slower to masticate than the rest of the crew.
Also, always have enough grits on hand to satisfy your guests. There should be an unused tub full of grits and gravy sitting out in the front yard if necessary. Don't let this food go to waste, even if you aren't hungry anymore. Grits are well-known to sustain the health and vitality of your skin as well.
Take these bits of advice and you can count on a Happy Thanksgiving next year. That is, of course, your family isn't composed of a bunch of total ass holes.