Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Impending Evacuation

The bailout/rescue or whatever you want to call the thing has been signed into law, but the economy continues to fail without the commanding presence of Richard Pryor (see prior post). The stock market has crumbled to beneath ten thousand for the first time in years. Bank stocks continue to tumble like meteors from the heavens, threatening to turn mankind into the newest version of the dinosaurs. To avert the seemingly inevitable apocalypse, I have decided to head to DC and remove the politician's heads from the asses within which they have been deeply entrenched for way too long.
Sadly, a miracle worker I am not, although my keen senses have at times been compared to those of Helen Keller. In actuality I am visiting the town that made corruption famous in order to witness the American national soccer team do battle with the evil forces of Communism represented by Fidel Castro's Cuban side. In years past we could expect to win by forfeit, as half of the Cuban team could be counted on to defect before the game, leaving the opponent without enough players to compete. This year the potential defectors will, in all likelihood, hear about the state of our nation and decide that living in poverty in a Caribbean island isn't really that bad after all.
Seems as if we may actually play the game - and in order to understand the intricacies of international soccer, I am bringing along Latin American and MLS futbol expert and friend of the blog Robert Mera in order to grasp fully the implications of such an earth-shattering match. Robert will also be celebrating his 30th birthday this weekend, which means I have to obtain accurate information from him before then as Bob Dylan says not to trust anyone past the age of thirty. Upon further review, though, I have aged gracefully past thirty myself and should be trusted. Ponder the question; when have I ever led you astray?
While in the city of DC (stands for District of Corruption) we will be staying with my beautiful and brilliant cousin Jennifer (that is sick dude, don't even think that) and her wonderful fiancee, Adam. My coz is adding to the diversity that my family was dreadfully lacking upon my birth. In 1975 we were just a ho-hum group of crackers, mostly Anglo-Saxon Protestants. Things have changed significantly since that fateful year. Added to my delightful, sprightly gayness has come my father's marriage to a lovely Turkish lass named Nalan. Jennifer has jumped into the mix with her coming betrothal, at which time she will be converting to Judaism, the religion of her future husband. Now, I will have an inside track in order to uncover the worldwide conspiracies which the Zionists are clearly behind.
Maybe instead my family's newly found diversity can be used to bring the world together. Heck we even have a black sheep/conservative in my Uncle David to make sure that all sides are represented in these negotiations. Our next family reunion has the potential to be more earth-shattering than the Camp David Accords. Or we may turn into the Palestine family and start throwing rocks and tanks at one another. Either way, good times will be had by all.

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