Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Dude Abides


The time has come for a brief respite from the seriousness of our impending economic collapse. Anyway, if you read the subsequent column, you are aware the problem will soon be solved. Let us move on then, towards a subject laden with frivolity and bereft of the soul-crushing sadness some may be feeling as a result of our current catastrophe. Such a journey will take us beyond our own world and into the realm of fantasy, driven on the wings of a projector whose light lands softly on a wide screen. So come with me and my roundish buddy Roger Ebert, as we go to the movies.
I have ranked some of my favorite flicks in three categories - comedy, action, and drama. There may be some overlap - "Pulp Fiction" could easily fit into any of these three groups, for instance. Go ahead and disagree, we still live in a free country, at least for the moment. Besides I lose a brain cell or two every day and may have left out a classic. I have also included a quote from each movie - any suggestions in that area are also encouraged.

Comedy

1. "The Big Lebowski" - That rug really tied the room together.
2. "Monty Python's The Search for the Holy Grail" - Now go away before I am forced to taunt you a second time.
3. "Clerks" - Try not to suck any dick on the way to the car!
4. "Army of Darkness" - That's just what we call pillow talk baby.
5. "Airplane" - Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
6. "Office Space" - Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
7. "MASH" - [as Frank Burns is being taken away in a straight jacket by the MPs] Now, fair's fair Henry. If I nail Hotlips and hit Hawkeye can I go home too?
8. "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" - She's the village bicycle. Everybody's had a ride.
9. "Blazing Saddles" - Mongo only pawn in game of life
10. "Animal House" - Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Action
1. "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" - We grow copious amounts of ganja and you are carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturist
2. "No Country For Old Men" - Carla: I got a bad feeling Llewelyn / Llewelyn: Well I got a good feeling, so that should even out.
3. "Pulp Fiction" - Did you see a sign on my house that said dead nigger storage?
4. "Lord of the Rings" trilogy - One ring to bind them and all that jazz.
5. "Fight Club" - The first rule of Fight Club is don't talk about Fight Club
6. "Reservoir Dogs" - Are you gonna bark all day little doggie? Or are you gonna bite?
7. "Star Wars" trilogy ("Star Wars", "Empire Strikes Back", Return of the Jedi") - Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?!
8. "Aliens" - We're fucked man! Game over!
9. "Kill Bill" Parts 1 and 2 - He hates caucasians, despises Americans, and has nothing but contempt for women. So in your case it may take awhile.
10. "The Usual Suspects" - I hear that Soze is some kinda fucked up psycho butcha, eh? (or basically any line Fenster/Benificio Del Toro spouts throughout the entire flick)

Drama
1. "The Godfather" - Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
2. "Shawshank Redemption" - Get busy living, or get busy dying.
3. "Full Metal Jacket" - Oh that's right Private Pyle, don't make any effort to get to the top of the obstacle. If God had wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he?
4. "Lone Star" - All that other stuff, all that history? To hell with it, right? Forget the Alamo.
5. "Last of the Mohicans" - I will find you!
6. "Almost Famous" - Rock stars have kidnapped my son.
7. "Trainspotting" - We called him Mother Superior on account of the length of his habit.
8. "Gandhi" - An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
9. "The Professional" - Leon: Stansfield? /Stansfield: At your service/ Leon (pulls pin from grenade): This is from Matilda.
10. "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" - Is that crazy enough for ya? Want me to take a shit on the floor?

2 comments:

rjmera said...

Nice, dude. You're in luck... I have 7 of those movies in DVD and maybe 2 of those on tape (yes vcr is still active... sometimes). Wish I had Godfather... excellent flick.
Can't wait for next week's extravaganza!

Anonymous said...

Here's your quote for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest...

"Is that crazy enough for ya'? Want me to take a shit on the floor?"
-Mark