Friday, March 28, 2008
The MLB all-name team
Spring has sprung and with it comes the onset of another season between the white lines - home runs, strikeouts, beanballs, drunken St. Louis Cardinals, and of course, my 2008 MLB all-name team. Here is to a comeback by Stubby Clapp or a managerial position being offered to Rusty Kuntz! Cheers!
C - Raul Cassanova. He makes love, not war - and occasionally plays catcher when he has spare time between amorous conquests.
1B- Ryan Garko. Everytime I hear this name, I have an overwhelming urge to throw "Donnie Darko" into the DVD player. Fear the bunny!
2B- Asdrubal Cabrera. Indian second baseman looking to spend his first whole year as a starter. Can you hear the chants of Assdrool echoing off the Jacob's Field walls?
SS- Ryan Theriot. Check out what his last name spells if you separate the e from the r. Isn't that a riot. It took Cubs fans to figure that out. More kegs to the bleachers, stat.
3B- Evan Longoria. Although this hot prospect (in every way) was unable to make the Rays (who no longer worship Satan) due to their incredible cheapness, this international swimsuit model's hot body should be gracing their infield by June at the latest. With Eva on the team, the Rays finally have a chance to sell a couple of tickets.
UT/IF- Mark Grudzielanek. It brings a tear to my eye when I recall Harry Caray's vain attempts at saying this name. May I suggest the Royals limit the Budweiser intake of their announcer if they are going to expect him to be up to the challenge.
OF- Milton Bradley. Not a man to play games with, this former every team outfielder has a well-known temper which hurts him on the field, but helps him in the Game of Life. Bradley left the Indians after an altercation with his manager, Eric Wedge. He was injured last year by his own coach, Bud Black. Surprisingly the outfielder has changed locations again and is now a Texas Ranger.
OF - Coco Crisp. Former platoon mate of Bradley in Cleveland, this speedy Red Sox centerfielder is in danger of losing his job to Count Chocula (AKA Jacoby Ellsbury) if he doesn't learn to hit.
OF - Kosuke Fukudome. Drunken Cubs fans will be able to stare at this jersey in right field for 81 games or so this year. Be afraid, very afraid of what they may come up with here. ***Update*** During the first game four Cub fans were shown with the letters FUKU spelled on their chest. The fun has begun and the bleachers are not safe for your children.
Backup OF- Corey Hart. He wears his sunglasses at night, during the day, and pretty much any time the Brewers are playing.
SP - Boof Bonser. This funky chunky monkey looks pretty much like what you would expect a Boof to look like. Unfortunately for the Twins, he pitches like a Boof as well.
SP - Ryan Dempster. The Cum Dumpster (copyright Colin McCandless) has moved from the pen to the starting rotation this year where one dares dream he does not live up to his nickname - nothing good could come of that.
RP - Manny Corpas. This Rockies closer truly left many corpses in his wake during an outstanding season last year. I drafted him for my fantasy team this year, in hopes that he continues killing the league. Alas, he has turned out to be the real corpse.
RP - Yorman Bazardo. He's not my man, his man, or her man - he is yorman! I don't have a clue who the hell he is, but he currently has a spot on the Tigers roster and will always have a bizarre name, so he has done all he needs to earn a place on my team.
RP - Kazuo Fukumori. The good news is that his Rangers does not play in Chicago. The bad news is that his last name is Fukumori.
RP - Evan Meek. The meek shall inherit the baserunners during Pirates games this year. Yeah, I went there. Air sickness bags are to the left.