Thursday, April 3, 2008
My Party - Sabotage Edition
Author's Note: This post continues and earlier set of posts, but can be understood without reading them if you are too lazy to go back into the archives.
I imagine most of you think that I have given up on my mission to create a political juggernaut that can challenge the status quo and create a better America. You are wrong. I never give up, I just forget about things for awhile. Sometimes even really important things. That is why, as soon as a respectable choice to head the Happy Bunny Patriot Bacon Unicorn Freedom Party is found, I will immediately give up the reins. Obviously we are going to need someone with a good speaking voice, leadership skills, and an attention span of over thirty seconds. I have to reread what I just typed just to remember what the hell I was talking about. While the search for a Happy Bunny JFK goes on, I figure that we should spend some time destroying the other worthless candidates. That way, when our candidate appears, he, she, or it will be able to waltz to an easier victory than Tango and Cash in their eponymous movie, while I do the lambada with a Korean exotic dancer and MC Hammer breaks it down in the backround. So here is the skinny on our opponents - once you see how little these bozos have to offer, there is no doubt you will be voting HBPBUFP.
1. John McCain, Republican
Positive: The Arizona Senator does have experience.
Negative: He has so much experience that he can tell you first hand how the battle of Gettysburg was won (if you are wondering he blames JEB Stuart). Do you want a president who could turn to dust at any moment?
Issues: According to the media, McCain is a "maverick", willing to think on his own and challenge Republican dogma. He was one of the main forces behind campaign finance reforms and has strived to limit the impact of lobbyists in Washington. Promises to stay the course in Iraq and not run away like a cowardly Democrat.
Get Real: Since catching "Presidential Fever" McCain has turned his back on all these admittedly great ideas. He has violated his own campaign finance rules and has lobbyists working on his campaign. Rather than going against parts of the platform of the head of the party and current president, he seems intent on finding spots on Dubya's anatomy to kiss that even Laura hasn't found yet. When will we leave Iraq? 100 years sound good? What are we trying to accomplish there again? Has also claimed to know nothing about the economy, which I have heard, is something important. Points for honesty there I guess, but eight years of a moron heading the country leads me to believe that the apocalypse could be the result of another four.
Pastor: McCain's Pastor friend John Hagee thinks Catholics are not Christian and that gays caused Hurricane Katrina. Apparently God is annoyed by the thumping noise or something. Add to that a sprinkling of anti-Semitism for your perfect recipe of hate. Here is a good money quote from the holy man himself dealing with the Jews, " “Jews brought the persecution that they experienced on themselves and “their own rebellion had birthed the seed of anti-Semitism.” Delicious! Tastes just like that strudel Himmler's mother used to bake back in the good old days of the master race.
2. Barack Obama, Democrat
We at the Happy Bunny Freedom Patriot Unicorn Bacon Party want you to know that we are not here only to destroy Republicans, but all those who would dare oppose us. Time to trash the Dems!
Positive: He is an impressive speaker, able to convince voters that black is white, white is black, and that he is both of them.
Negative: Fancy speechifyin' ain't what is gonna take our country to the promised land. We need coherent policies and a real vision that cannot be described by high fallutin' multi-syllabic words and such. Obama has spent only one term in government as an elected representative. How can that prepare him to lead? The only other president who could boast of such lackluster experience was Abraham Lincoln and he had us in a war for five years and then died before even finishing his term, so obviously he sucked.
Issues: Obama is running on a platform which consists of the audacity of hope, unparalleled vision, and a bunch of other stuff that sounds really good in theory. Plus he wants to get out of Iraq.
Get Real: No one really knows what this Socialist pig dog will do if he is elected. We don't even know who this man is. Is he black? White? Christian? Muslim? I keep getting e-mails telling me that he is something nefarious, mysterious, and not to be trusted. You should not trust him either. He might even be a liberal. He has to be - he wants to cut and run away from Iraq before we accomplish whatever it is that we are planning to accomplish (trick al Qaeda into sending all their operatives into Iraq and then nuke it?). The HBFPBUP believes that we should not run from our commitments like cowardly liberal Obama followers want, but rather back away slowly and carefully.
Pastor: Obama's pastor, Jeremiah Wright, is black and it seems that he hates America. I personally am insulted that any black man could be upset at the USA after all our country has done for their race. Okay so the first couple hundred years were rough, but get over it already you have the NBA and NFL now.
3. Hillary Clinton, Democrat
Positive: She would be the first president since Millard Fillmore to have a vagina and Bill would be the original first dude since everyone knows Fillmore was a closet lesbian.
Negative: See above. Chicks can be completely nutso. Have you ever tried to argue logically with a woman? You might as well expect to win a game of tennis against a wall (The late comedian Mitch Hedberg tells me walls are fucking relentless). Also, unless we want to be some sort of odd alternating monarchy, we need to get out of this crazy Bush/Clinton/Bush pattern. If we want to avoid a Jeb in the White House, we need to act now, not later.
Issues: Hillary is running on her experience as someone who lived in the White House for four years. She feels prepared to take that three in the morning phone call when the world is in danger and the Superfriends have taken a vacation to visit Aquaman in his underwater cave. As evidence of her experience in this area, Hillary claims to have run through machine gun fire like Chuck Norris in order to save the Bosnian people from Lex Luthor or something.
Get real: If spending time in the President's domicile supposedly gives you the tools to become president than by that logic the White House janitor is next in line for the proverbial throne. Or maybe the head chef can get on the horn and deal with the next terrorist bombing. Oh and that machine gun fire in Bosnia turns out to have been a little girl with flowers. You have to hand it to Hillary as a politician - if you are going to lie why not make it a whopper of which Pinocchio could be proud. Oh and remember, Pinocchio will not be the only one in the White House with a wood-sprouting problem - and we are not even talking about truthfulness issues yet.
Pastor: According to Rush Limbaugh, Hillary and her feminazis are unable to go inside a church for fear that their demon-flesh would spontaneously combust. So far that fact has proved a plus for her campaign when compared to the pastor-related controversies of her opponents.
4. Ron Paul, Libertarian
Positive: He has the guts to tell the truth about issues like the deficit that most politicians are scared to confront.
Negative: Eight people are listening to him and I seem to know half of them.
Issues: Get out of Iraq, end NAFTA, protect personal freedoms.
Get Real: There is a question as to whether he is even still in the race. Rumor is he is going to storm the Republican convention with calvary.
Pastor: Who knows? I think Libertarians may be atheists.
5. Ralph Nader, Constitution Party
Positive: He did a bunch of stuff to make us safer from Corporate greedheads in the seventies.
Negative: For some unknown reason he has since made it his mission in life to destroy Al Gore. Like Paul, has no chance in hell. Currently trailing Mickey Mouse in the polls.
Issues: Bring back the Communist threat by being the Communist threat. Take away Al Gore's Nobel Prize.
Get real: Elderly Jews won't be fooled by your crazy ballots this time, you fiend. Also, Nader may drop out when he realizes Gore really isn't running this time.
Pastor: Commies are definitely atheists, I am sure of that goddamn those red bastards - they don't like unicorns, freedom, or bacon.
6. Jesse Jackson, Crazy People's Party. He's not running, but I really loved the picture, so I thought we could fit him in there.
So now that you have seen the assembled field we have deal with, you will surely jump into the waiting arms of the Happy Bunny Unicorn Patriot Bacon Freedom Party. Maybe you would even like to be our presidential candidate. Feel free to peruse our platform, which is laid out in an earlier post. That is all for now. God bless America and all her beautiful unicorns!