Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Name Game Part 2

Welcome back sports fans, the time has come to reveal our second list of great names from baseball's past. Round two will cover gents with last names falling somewhere between the unstoppable pitcher Omar Daal, whose name always makes me yearn for Indian food, and Mike Fyhrie whose name is reminiscent of the digestive repercussions resulting from the spiciness of said cuisine. So without any further ado, here is my team - suggestions for improvement are always encouraged.

1B - Babe Danzig: Sadly, the Babe had only a short stint for the Red Sox in 1909. After his release he threatened the Red Sox with a hex involving vampires, serpents, as well as the shedding of the blood of the non-believers. His curse proved less effective than Ruth's and may have long been forgotten, but the goth metal greatness of his progeny will be remembered forever.

2B - Boob "Gink" Fowler: Apparently the original name Fowler (who played for a few years in the 1920s) went by wasn't funny enough so someone decided to give him the nickname Gink. What does Gink mean? According to my Google machine, gink is a man or boy considered to be odd. If your first name was Boob I think a certain level of oddness would be forgivable.

SS - J.J. Furmaniak: Thanks to two brief major league stints with Pittsburgh and Oakland, J.J. makes our list solely for being such a major fan of my alma mater. I am a staunch believer that our mascot should be named in his honor.

3B - Bob Dillinger: I can't have one of these lists without including a celebrity and public enemy number one just happened to play six years for the St. Louis Browns among other teams shortly after his death. Now that's dedication to your sport!

OF - Johnny "Ugly" Dickshot: By far the MVP of this motley roster, I will let Ugly speak for himself. Just follow the link if you don't believe that a human being could actually go through life with this name.

OF - Jack Daniels: A Boston Brave in 1952, "Sour Mash Jack" as he was called, will patrol a spot in the outfield next to Ugly Dickshot, and in fact Ugly will likely blame his poor performance on Jack Daniels, as many a man has from time to time.

OF - Steamer Flanagan: Despite rumors to the contrary, 1905 Pirate Steamer is actually from Kingston, Pennsylvania, not Cleveland.

C - Pickles Dillhoefer: Dillhoefer's lack of success for three National League teams during the years of World War I and after could be contributed to the simple fact that he was a grown man whose teammates called him Pickles. With the dill last name I suppose it was unavoidable, but goddamn it man - maintain some small shred of dignity!

P - Bull Durham: Born Louis Raphael Staub, Mr. Durham realized that he would never become a professional baseball player with such a silly moniker. One name change later and the former Louis was able to enjoy a six year career from 1904-1909 with perhaps the most appropriate name in the history of the game (although Matt Batts would surely argue this question).

P - Cy Fried: A name like Cy Fried conjures up thoughts of the pitching greatness of his namesake, Cy Young, after whom the most coveted pitching award in baseball is named. Fried, whose career lasted all of 2 innings back in 1920 was unable to reach the level of Young's success, falling only 511 wins short of his win total of 511 (while appearing in 7,354 less innings). Fried also boasted a terrific 16.20 ERA. Note to those who are not a follower of the game: 16.20 is the opposite of terrific.

P - Frank Funk: I am so jealous of the stadium announcer who, when calling Frank from the bullpen, got to say, "We want the Funk, got to have that funk..." during the all too brief four year stint the pitcher spent with Cleveland and Minnesota in the early 1960s.

P - Roberto Duran: By the end of Roberto's 1997-98 career as a reliever his 6.58 ERA had Detroit Tiger fans screaming no mas, no mas!
Editor's note: I couldn't figure out how to insert the accent so think Spanish there, the joke has nothing to do with anyone's mother.

P - Emerson Dickman: I couldn't leave you without one more opportunity to be brazenly crude and Dickman, pictured above, was nice enough to pitch five years during World War II for the Boston Red Sox.

Honorable mentions: Joe Frazier as in down goes Frazier (on strikes), Whammy Douglas, Buttercup Dickerson, Charlie Frisbee, and Kosuke Fukudome.

See you soon for our next edition and make sure to thank your parents over Thanksgiving for not giving you such a shitty name (assuming you are not on this list).