Sunday, April 13, 2008

Piece of Shit Car

Driving down the street with the top down, pulling into fourth gear, I zoom around the corner in my candy-red sports car checking out the hapless dopes as I effortlessly pass their comparably motionless vehicles. As I hit the strip, everyone looks up to admire my sleek ride, envying the ease with which I rolled by them in an aura of automotive ecstasy. Then I awake from my dream.
Besides the fact that I can't even drive a manual, my car is in reality a complete piece of shit, a turd colored brown 1992 Camry with so many things wrong with it that the mere fact that it runs has to be listed as one of the greatest miracles since Moses parted his superglued dentures (check out that amazing story in Exodus: The Revised Version). Where should I even begin to enumerate the rolodex of maladies from which the vehicle suffers? I could, on the other hand, go positive, and mention that the car does still have one of its hubcaps or that the heating system still works. That would be a much shorter form of documentation. Let us instead go down the road of negativity and examine the numerous flaws that make my Camry the loveable steaming pile that it has become. The picture located above is an artist's rendering of what my car might look like.
1. No air conditioner. That shit hasn't worked at all in several years. On the plus side, on a hot summer's day I can use the interior to cook my breakfast during my commute to work.
2. Missing three hubcaps. Shortly, when the last of the four falls off, I will have gone through two complete sets. The first was lost when my roommate Steve thought it might be funny to paint my hubcaps gold. In fact, it was not funny and his ass had to buy me another set. I should buy some new ones you say? Hubcaps are merely cosmetic and the Camry is one turd I am no longer trying to polish.
3. No cruise control. The lack of this system would bother me more if I thought the car could make the kind of lengthy road trip that having cruise control could make easier. I am just happy if I can make it out of the driveway. Californians are in no danger of spotting my vehicle on their home turf. Hell, Georgia is a long shot.
4. The computer system. According to my dashboard, the parking brake is constantly set. The old computer also claims that I am missing one of my taillights. Neither of these things are true, leading me to believe that my car's computer has significant brain damage.
5. The clock. My Toyota's timepiece works only when it wants to, which is very rarely. It is old and tired, so you can understand its feelings.
6. The passenger side. Good luck getting in, since the passenger door does not open. Don't make any plans for a Dukes of Hazzard entrance either, because the window does not go down on that side either.
7. Dent in the grill. I ran into a deer once during a rainstorm. The animal dented my grill and the Camry dented him in return. We will call it a tie.
8. Rear view mirror. I have one, but it is currently sitting on the backseat, where it frankly doesn't seem to be doing me much good. I guess I could hold it in my right hand and point it around, but they might prove difficult. Have to get back to you on the results of that experiment.
9. Tape player. Yes i have a tape player. No it doesn't work. Unless you like to listen to albums backwards to find out if they have a hidden meaning. I recommend rocking out "Stairway to Heaven."
10. Dried blood in the backseat. I have been stabbed. Feel free to ask me about the experience. I should note that it was not the car's fault.
11. Crack in the windshield. It is just a small, round crack. If I lean my head to the right, I can look right around it while driving. No worries.

All that being said, I do indeed love my Camry regardless of its assorted faults. Look on the bright side - at least I don't have to use a bungee cord to keep it from falling apart. The engine has passed well over the 200,000 mile plateau and is still humming along nicely. Who knows, maybe the old girl will give me another year of fun and excitement. It could always be worse - I could have an American car. Or my brother's - for a look at his entry in the world's crappiest car contest, read the comments below.


Robert Mera said...

Stabbed? How come I never heard about this?
Nice piece on the car. Kudos on the american embargo.

Anonymous said...

Civic v. Camry. The debate begins for shittiest ride on the planet.

Aw...that reference to a bungee cord didn't appear out of thin air, that's based in reality. I've actually been employing this trusted method to hold up my bumper for the last four years or so. But that's not the only problem with my car. Let me run down a tally of its, you may call them "flaws," I just call them part of the purple-headed monster experience (my car's nickname). Judge for yourself whether you think the Civic or the Camry deserves to win the award for the biggest pile of shit on wheels.

1. Sure the Camry has no air conditioning, but the Honda does one better. I have neither heat nor A/C and no working Defrost to un fog my windows on a cold. rainy day. I use my hand or a sock to wipe the windshield. It keeps me awake at least.

2. I too, have a hand-held rear-view mirror. It fell off months ago, but I keep it in the car just in case I'm stopped by an officer of the law.

3. This rear-view mirror dropped to its death due to a giant crack running down the top middle of my windshield. Luckily, it doesn't obscure my view of the road.

4. Did i mention my bumper is held up by a bungee cord? If a passenger sits in the back right of my car, the body of the car scrapes my tire on that side and makes an awful screeching sound that sounds like a giraffe dying, or Silverchair's lead singer, whichever you prefer.

5. Dirt, leaves, rocks and other debris cover my floorboards in a layer so thick and impenetrable it would break three or four vacuum cleaners at a car wash before they could clean them.

6. I'm on my second CD player. The first one was stolen when I lived in Gainesville. Luckily, the thieves decide the car itself wasn't worth stealing.

7. You want dents, I got dents. Try one one on the passenger side where a truck hit me while stopped at a traffic light. One dink on the bumper where I backed into a dumpster and several sizable indentations on my hood from God knows what.

8. The covering on my steering wheel is peeling off to the point where it looks it's suffering from leprosy.

9. Hubcaps are indeed overrated. Don't need them.

10. I have a veritable cornicopia of spills on my front and back seats that will never come out.