Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Death Match

I was thinking the other day about the old MTV show from about ten years or so ago called "Celebrity Death Match." If you don't remember, or chose to avoid the graphic animated violence presented on the show, CDM brought together various claymation celebrities and sent them into the ring in a Thunderdome, two men enter, one man leaves format. Oftentimes neither side left a significant portion of their body parts intact. After running out of various ways in which to decapitate Michael Jackson, Madonna and other famous douchebags, the show went left the airwaves like a fart in the wind, never to be seen again.
The time has come to bring the show back for one final episode. A climax that would eclipse even the one you had back in 1992 with those Thai hookers. If you don't remember that particular experience don't worry, you were pretty wasted at the time.
Anyway back to my main point, which had something to do with MTV and a final cage match. What could be a more appropriate finale than to pit the guiding forces of our world against one another in an Armaggedon-like (well not really like, I guess it would be Armageddon) battle. Who should represent the forces of our lord and savior against the dedicated minions of the evil one? Clearly the Fairfield Four are the only possible choice. They have touted the power of God in their songs for years, most notable in "The Lonesome Valley," which was featured in the movie "O Brother Where Art Thou" and happens to be the only song by them I have ever heard. The time has come for them to put their money where their mouths are.
Clearly our contest would only be fair if the powers of darkness were represented by an equally talented musician. After much thought (maybe five minutes or so) I came up with two possible candidates, Peter Steele and Glenn Danzig. Danzig triumphed in the end over Type O Negative's Steele due to his impressive longevity, including stints in Samhain, the Misfits and, of course, Danzig.
The baddies' champion would face some long odds. Any gospel ensemble like the Fairfield Four is likely to possess many different members. Although common sense would indicate there are only four of them, my experience has led me never to trust these Christians. Check out the team picture above if you question my doubt. Even though Glenn is totally ripped, he is a pretty small guy, standing all of five foot one (he claims five three, but you know how that goes) and he wears fishnet shirts for goodness sake. Who would be intimidated by anyone with that kind of fashion sense?
The General Manager of Team Evil could get the rest of his current band to help out, but how much faith can you have in someone named Eerie Von or Chuck Biscuits? On the other hand, the singer's near encyclopedic knowledge of "The Necronomicon" may help him fight back against the horde. Plus, they appear to be extremely old, which may result in the Fantastic Four having trouble finding the arena or forgetting to show up at all. Does Glenn know enough spells to crush the waves of bible-thumping zealots headed his way? Only time will tell. Or maybe we could just have a good old-fashioned fiddle contest.

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