Impending Evacuation

The bailout/rescue or whatever you want to call the thing has been signed into law, but the economy continues to fail without the commanding presence of Richard Pryor (see prior post). The stock market has crumbled to beneath ten thousand for the first time in years. Bank stocks continue to tumble like meteors from the heavens, threatening to turn mankind into the newest version of the dinosaurs. To avert the seemingly inevitable apocalypse, I have decided to head to DC and remove the politician's heads from the asses within which they have been deeply entrenched for way too long.
Sadly, a miracle worker I am not, although my keen senses have at times been compared to those of Helen Keller. In actuality I am visiting the town that made corruption famous in order to witness the American national soccer team do battle with the evil forces of Communism represented by Fidel Castro's Cuban side. In years past we could expect to win by forfeit, as half of the Cuban team could be counted on to defect before the game, leaving the opponent without enough players to compete. This year the potential defectors will, in all likelihood, hear about the state of our nation and decide that living in poverty in a Caribbean island isn't really that bad after all.
Seems as if we may actually play the game - and in order to understand the intricacies of international soccer, I am bringing along Latin American and MLS futbol expert and friend of the blog Robert Mera in order to grasp fully the implications of such an earth-shattering match. Robert will also be celebrating his 30th birthday this weekend, which means I have to obtain accurate information from him before then as Bob Dylan says not to trust anyone past the age of thirty. Upon further review, though, I have aged gracefully past thirty myself and should be trusted. Ponder the question; when have I ever led you astray?
While in the city of DC (stands for District of Corruption) we will be staying with my beautiful and brilliant cousin Jennifer (that is sick dude, don't even think that) and her wonderful fiancee, Adam. My coz is adding to the diversity that my family was dreadfully lacking upon my birth. In 1975 we were just a ho-hum group of crackers, mostly Anglo-Saxon Protestants. Things have changed significantly since that fateful year. Added to my delightful, sprightly gayness has come my father's marriage to a lovely Turkish lass named Nalan. Jennifer has jumped into the mix with her coming betrothal, at which time she will be converting to Judaism, the religion of her future husband. Now, I will have an inside track in order to uncover the worldwide conspiracies which the Zionists are clearly behind.
Maybe instead my family's newly found diversity can be used to bring the world together. Heck we even have a black sheep/conservative in my Uncle David to make sure that all sides are represented in these negotiations. Our next family reunion has the potential to be more earth-shattering than the Camp David Accords. Or we may turn into the Palestine family and start throwing rocks and tanks at one another. Either way, good times will be had by all.

Home for the Holidays

I want to start by apologizing to my reader for the lack of a post here last week. I was home visiting my family and I failed to take the time to realize that this website is very important to my fan - whoever he or she may be. Anyway, since you have forgiven me and chosen to continue reading let us proceed.
Seeing my family over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday made me ponder how important they are to me as a person. I also realized what a momentous occasion the Thanksgiving dinner is and how I look forward all year to that day.
Sadly, though, this event only lasts one day. How can we integrate this great feast and our love for our family into something that gives us that special feeling year round?
We all take pictures, but they can only start to tell the story, to give us all that feeling of closeness we yearn for in our hearts. Home movies have the same shortcomings and are usually ruined by a gaseous uncle (it is better that some memories be forgotten).
I have a suggestion for a tradition that will add the necessary permanence to the holiday. We should cannibalize one of our relatives every Thanksgiving. What better way of remembering your relatives than by dining on them? They will be with you always as fat in your body. No more jars of ashes cluttering the mantle. Every time your stomach grumbles you will remember them. Besides, aren't you sick of always eating turkey? The tryptophan makes you so tired you miss the late football game.
So how do you choose which relative to slice and dice and enjoy over a bowl of rice? Well that's up to you! It is your family Mr. Dahmer, tailor the tradition to fit its peculiar composition. If you want to be lame, just draw straws. Or you could eat the one that is the oldest. Now you won't have to pay for that awful nursing home they don't want to live in anyway!
How about ingesting the richest member of the family? You and your relatives can finally see who is in the will! Eat the poorest - now you don't have to support his/her lazy ass!
Think, your cousin has eight children. Sure kids have less meat, so maybe it would be better if you ate two or three of them. Their mother will thank you when the time to pay for college comes around.
Whomever you chose to eat, you'll have an opportunity to have that family member with you forever - a Thanksgiving to remember. Maybe next year you can carve up a relative and stuff him or her with another relative - just like a turducken. Regardless of who you choose to butcher or how you choose to prepare them, make sure you don't forget the cranberry sauce, Dracula!