Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Bowfinger 2: Going Down and Collumbia Bound


20th century Faux Studio announced today that filming has finally begun on the long-awaited sequel to 1999's hit "Bowfinger," starring Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin.
According to studio executive Richard Steele, the movie had been held up by poor scripts and an inability to convince Martin and Murphy to do another picture in the series. All that seemed to change only six months ago when the most recent rewrite of the script reached Steele's desk.
"Thanks to our great writing team we finally found a vehicle that could support the talents of Heather Graham, the only one of the actors from "Bowfinger" who had signed on to do the second film. I think you will agree "Bowfinger 2" is one of the most original screenplays in years."
The sequel will be called "Bowfinger 2: Going Down and Collumbia Bound" and features Graham, reprising her role as Daisy. The character of Daisy in "Bowfinger" is a bit of a whore who uses her seductive powers and lithe body to sleep her way all the way to the top during the production of a movie directed by Steve Martin's character Robert K. Bowfinger. Graham has boldly resisted the urge to avoid being typecast during her career, also playing a whore in "From Hell," "Austin Powers 2, "The Hangover," "Boogie Nights," and "Swingers."
In "Bowfinger 2" we find Graham moving on to bigger and better things. Nowadays Daisy, whose last name we discover to be Halley, has parlayed her success in Hollywood into a political career in her home state of South Calorina.
She yearns to one day be the first female governor of the state, but the old boy network appears in front of her like a brick wall to stop her progress. Halley is forced against her will to go back to her old ways, having affairs with politicians on each rung of the ladder in the Republicanian Party in order to advance her ambitions.
Halley starts at the very bottom of the barrel by having sex with a mere blogger by the name of Will Fulks (played by Viggo Mortensen) and moves on to the upper echelon with other trysts, including one with a lobbyist, Larry Merchant (played by Bob Costas).
Her open legs open doors and soon she is battling for the Republicanian nomination for governor. Saboteurs within the party don't want a woman to win and suddenly reveal Halley's affairs. Republicanian party hack Jake Notts (played by Abe Vigoda) also tries to use Daisy's half-Indonesian background against her, calling her a camel jockey.
The scandal threatens to destroy the Halley campaign. Daisy, hurt and confused, goes for a hike on the Appalachian trail to clear her mind. While there, she meets a mystic named Mark Samford who, after getting to know her carnally for a day or two, tells her what she needs to know to defeat her foes. Thanks to his sage advice she manages to win the nomination. For fear of ruining the last five minutes of the movie I will stop here, but some questions remain unanswered.

Will our hero Halley beat her opponent, the Democritic Vincent Sheehan (played by Gary Oldman) and become governor? Will she move on to greater heights, even the White House? Who will she screw along the way? Carl Rove(played by a bowl of jello) or Rupert Murdock (played by Satan)? To find out what happens next, make sure to be the first in line for tickets when "Bowfinger 2" is released in December of 2011.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Dude Abides


The time has come for a brief respite from the seriousness of our impending economic collapse. Anyway, if you read the subsequent column, you are aware the problem will soon be solved. Let us move on then, towards a subject laden with frivolity and bereft of the soul-crushing sadness some may be feeling as a result of our current catastrophe. Such a journey will take us beyond our own world and into the realm of fantasy, driven on the wings of a projector whose light lands softly on a wide screen. So come with me and my roundish buddy Roger Ebert, as we go to the movies.
I have ranked some of my favorite flicks in three categories - comedy, action, and drama. There may be some overlap - "Pulp Fiction" could easily fit into any of these three groups, for instance. Go ahead and disagree, we still live in a free country, at least for the moment. Besides I lose a brain cell or two every day and may have left out a classic. I have also included a quote from each movie - any suggestions in that area are also encouraged.

Comedy

1. "The Big Lebowski" - That rug really tied the room together.
2. "Monty Python's The Search for the Holy Grail" - Now go away before I am forced to taunt you a second time.
3. "Clerks" - Try not to suck any dick on the way to the car!
4. "Army of Darkness" - That's just what we call pillow talk baby.
5. "Airplane" - Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
6. "Office Space" - Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
7. "MASH" - [as Frank Burns is being taken away in a straight jacket by the MPs] Now, fair's fair Henry. If I nail Hotlips and hit Hawkeye can I go home too?
8. "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" - She's the village bicycle. Everybody's had a ride.
9. "Blazing Saddles" - Mongo only pawn in game of life
10. "Animal House" - Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Action
1. "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" - We grow copious amounts of ganja and you are carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturist
2. "No Country For Old Men" - Carla: I got a bad feeling Llewelyn / Llewelyn: Well I got a good feeling, so that should even out.
3. "Pulp Fiction" - Did you see a sign on my house that said dead nigger storage?
4. "Lord of the Rings" trilogy - One ring to bind them and all that jazz.
5. "Fight Club" - The first rule of Fight Club is don't talk about Fight Club
6. "Reservoir Dogs" - Are you gonna bark all day little doggie? Or are you gonna bite?
7. "Star Wars" trilogy ("Star Wars", "Empire Strikes Back", Return of the Jedi") - Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?!
8. "Aliens" - We're fucked man! Game over!
9. "Kill Bill" Parts 1 and 2 - He hates caucasians, despises Americans, and has nothing but contempt for women. So in your case it may take awhile.
10. "The Usual Suspects" - I hear that Soze is some kinda fucked up psycho butcha, eh? (or basically any line Fenster/Benificio Del Toro spouts throughout the entire flick)

Drama
1. "The Godfather" - Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
2. "Shawshank Redemption" - Get busy living, or get busy dying.
3. "Full Metal Jacket" - Oh that's right Private Pyle, don't make any effort to get to the top of the obstacle. If God had wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he?
4. "Lone Star" - All that other stuff, all that history? To hell with it, right? Forget the Alamo.
5. "Last of the Mohicans" - I will find you!
6. "Almost Famous" - Rock stars have kidnapped my son.
7. "Trainspotting" - We called him Mother Superior on account of the length of his habit.
8. "Gandhi" - An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
9. "The Professional" - Leon: Stansfield? /Stansfield: At your service/ Leon (pulls pin from grenade): This is from Matilda.
10. "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" - Is that crazy enough for ya? Want me to take a shit on the floor?