When Sports Nuts Bust Their Shell

The Bastard Piper is an award winning reporter from somewhere in the devious and demented hills of North Carolina.

Guest blog column

By: The Bastard Piper

If you ever thought some people take sports a bit too seriously, maybe you should give your face-painting Panthers’ fan buddy at the office a break. At least he’s not Matthew Kowald of Pardeeville,Wisconsin.
Kowald was arrested Jan. 14 for a parental sports blooper of Hall of Shame proportions, when he duct-taped his seven-year-old boy to a chair in their home after the child refused to wear a Packers’ jersey during the team’s playoff game against Seattle on Jan. 12.
The 36-year-old Cheesehead is apparently not very sharp (a double pun intended as a play on the cheddar product and former Packers wide receiver Sterling Sharpe! Sharpe played for the Packers in the late 80s and early 90s and was very productive but his promising career was cut short by a devastating neck injury in 1994, a tragedy really, when you think about his talent and potential. I think he is a broadcaster for NFL Network now or something, so I’m glad to see him doing well, because he seems like an intelligent, quality human being, unlike Kowald who is a total fuckwad).
Anywho, Kowald then proceeded to duct tape a jersey onto his son while he lay trapped in the chair for an hour, no doubt wishing that Packers’ Linebacker AJ Hawk would rush in and sack his lunatic dad.
I can only imagine this very sick man muttering to his young son, “Don’t you embarrass me in front of Brett Favre boy, or I’ll fix you really good next time!”
The sad fact is this fanatic probably thought Favre could see him through the TV and would be judging the team loyalty of him and his family. “Must…not…upset…Favre…No. 4 jersey…too important to the cause.”
Did he perhaps think that coercing his child into donning Green Bay gear would cause him to establish a positive connection with the green and yellow?
“Gee thanks dad, I shouldn’t have resisted such a fine fitting jersey. The team really needs my unwavering support, and this negative karma could cost them a trip to the Super Bowl. Oh, and could you apply more duct tape to my elbow, the sleeves are peeling off a bit.”
Since star running back Ryan Grant wasn’t around to phone the police and save the day, the boy’s mother dialed authorities to report the incident and issued a restraining order against Kowald. She showed pictures of the incident to authorities snapped by her cell phone camera, so it is unlikely Kowald can challenge the call.
His illegal contact will likely back him up a full hundred yards or more away from his family, and officials also slapped him with a $186 fine, making this one costly penalty.
Kowald referred to the duct-taping incident as a joke and said his son was laughing with him, but if that’s how he plays nice with children, I’d hate to see him when he’s angry. I mean, what if the Packers had lost that game?
“You no root for Green Bay?” “Kowald Smash!”
Sadly, his son will now forever associate football with violence.

The NFL all-name Team

Hey boys and girls, its that time of year again. As the NFL hits its stride and we begin to wonder if the Patriots will ever lose and if the Dolphins will ever win, its time to look at names in the NFL - everywhere from the obscure to the obscene. Here we are, the greatest monikers in the NFL, at times doctored to gain a pronunciation that pleases my ears more - and hopefully yours too! Oh and here is to hoping that my boy Dakota Fagg (the boy named Sue of the college game) makes it to the NFL. These guys prove the Man in Black to be a prophet. They had to get tough or die.

QB - DJ Shockley. Forgive me, I just like this name. This Falcon's backup QB sounds like someone Eminem would have defeated in a rap battle if he had ever made a sequel to "8 Mile." What a tragedy that never came to fruition. He will only hold this job until Colt McCoy, the most perfectly named quarterback in the history of the universe, graduates from Texas.
RB - Madison Hedgecock. Doesn't this Giants fullback conjure up the mental imagine of a depraved Edward Scissorhands changing the shrubbery of his small town to fit his hitherto unknown phallic obsessions? My belief is that the knights who say Ni! made him do it.
RB - B.J. Askew. This TB runner knows better than anyone that there is nothing worse than when a pleasant moment of felatio goes terribly wrong.
WR - T.J. Houshmandoucheman. This receiver for the Cincy Bengals has such a long and unpronounceable name that a little help is needed to make it sound pleasant and clean, like a summer's eve.
WR - Craphonso Thorpe. Believe it or not, this Colt receiver actually lined up beside the aforementioned Fagg at Florida St. Hard to be over-shadowed your own team much less the all name team with a nickname like Crap (that is his nickname right?).
WR - Mike "Super" Furrey (Animal). If you are not a fan of the Detroit Lions or obscure Welsh pop bands then move on, there is nothing to see here.
TE - Todd Yoder. Although he has mastered the force, this Washington TE cannot pass Chris Cooley on the depth chart or a grammar test for that matter. Think you his syntax bad it is? (Cooley is rumored to be a Sith warrior working for Emperor Palpatine).
TE - Tony Curtis. This classic thespian (no that has nothing to do with being a cunning linguist) scored several Oscar worthy hits, not to mention a TD for the Cowboys last weekend.
OL - Richie Incognito. Not hard to stay unknown and down right undercover as a lineman for the 1-8 St. Louis Rams.
OL - Ryan "Carpe" Diem. The other bookend for our team is this Colts tackle who is bound to seize the day! And if you don't get that joke your English teacher sucked.
OL - Guy Whimper. With a name like that you have to think the man is a pansy, not a 300 pound lineman.
OL - Jermon Bushrod. Many have confused this Saint's tackle with the Teutonic porn idol of the same name. But, alas he did not star in "Mein Cockf" or "A Fuhrer in Your Pants"
OL - Cory Lekkerkerker. If you have been wondering where the KKK has been lately, it has been hiding out inside this Dolphin's name.
CB - Ashton "of" Youboty. Pronounced Ass ton of yo booty. This Bills corner has to take heavy doses of penis altering drugs to maintain his stature.
CB - William Gay (Honorable Mention: DeMarcus Faggins). As we await the arrival on the pro scene of Dakota Fagg, Mr. Gay will have to do double duty, playing for the Steelers and being picked on for his unfortunate moniker. ** Editor's Note: Although in disagreement with the majority, the author believes that the word gay means super awesome people who are God's chosen ones.
S - Atari Bigby. This Packers defensive back hearkens us back to the days when Pong, Pac Man, and Frogger ruled our worlds. What, you aren't old enough to remember that? Well, fuck you then. Seriously though, how fucking high were his parents when they named him that? If it is a tribal name I guess he is lucky not to have been named Nintendo Playstation.
S - Jamaal Fudge. No particular reason to pick this Jaguars safety, besides the fact that I am terribly hungry right now.
LB - Brendon Ayanbadejo. This Bears special teamer like Bengals WR T.J. needed a change to his way too long name. He shall henceforth be known only as "I am a Banjo"
LB - Akin Ayodele. Doesn't this Cowboy stud seem similar to a Swiss mountaineer's song?
LB - A.J. Hawk. Just a bad-ass name for a bad-ass player. Nuff ced.
DL - Kimo von Oelhoffen. Although originally destined to be a fighter pilot in the Luftwaffe during World War II, a tragic time machine accident sent him hurtling through eras, ending as a DT for the Philadelphia Eagles.
DL - Ma'ake Kemoeatu. Something tells me it would not take too much convincing to make this 350 lb Panthers lineman eat you.
DL - Sam Adams. Expecting a history joke of some sort? Dude, beer! Duh. And boy does this Bronco look like he could put away a keg an hour of that delicious concoction.
DL - Igor Olshansky. Fans of the Mel Brooks classic Young Frankenstein will know that the Chargers lineup prefers his first name to be pronounced Eye-gor. And that he does not have a hump on his back.
K - Jay "Touchy" Feely. Ahhhhhhhhhh, what a cute little Dolphin. Sensitive enough to be a kicker? Perhaps so.
P - Jeff Feagles. A nostalgic pick here. When this present day Giant kicked for the Eagles the world just made sense to me. Speaking of nostalgia, I really miss Toby Gowin, as in Toby Gowin to punt.

There you have it, your 2008 NFL all name team. If you have any suggestions that I may have missed, feel free to comment - if you provide a good argument maybe you can improve my lineup.