Lies, Damnable Lies, and Politics

I have been taking a break from writing about the political world of late to cleanse myself from the filth that one inevitably picks up from swimming in that particular cesspool. In the purported words of 19th century Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, the British politician uses the word statistics instead of politics, but the sentiment still applies. Disraeli, if he even spoke the attributed quote (it is ascribed to him by Mark Twain but their is no written evidence of the utterance) was trying not to paint himself with the same brush, but the statement most likely applies to him and a majority of the people associated with the tawdry world of politics.
What do we believe in a world with so much information and so much doubt about what is fact and what is damnable? On most issues there at two sides (or more) each espousing contradictory positions and characterizing their opponents beliefs as untrue or unsound. I won't pick a side unless I feel like I understand the underlying issues, I do try to educate myself.
Once I do pick a side I always have a nagging feeling. There is so many newsites, articles, editorials, blogs, opinions, etc. to absorb and my brain is only so much sponge to soak up a biblical flood of facts and figures. Have I decided to believe the lies of the liars are true - do I view the truth as a lie and a lie as the truth? Am I caught up in the Matrix believing an upside down view?
Things were so much simpler when Cheney was around. Without the pervading stench of evil it can be hard to tell which way the path leads. I guess I could always listen to what Rush Limbaugh says and believe the opposite.
Clearly I would then need a bath.

My Party - Sabotage Edition

Author's Note: This post continues and earlier set of posts, but can be understood without reading them if you are too lazy to go back into the archives.

I imagine most of you think that I have given up on my mission to create a political juggernaut that can challenge the status quo and create a better America. You are wrong. I never give up, I just forget about things for awhile. Sometimes even really important things. That is why, as soon as a respectable choice to head the Happy Bunny Patriot Bacon Unicorn Freedom Party is found, I will immediately give up the reins. Obviously we are going to need someone with a good speaking voice, leadership skills, and an attention span of over thirty seconds. I have to reread what I just typed just to remember what the hell I was talking about. While the search for a Happy Bunny JFK goes on, I figure that we should spend some time destroying the other worthless candidates. That way, when our candidate appears, he, she, or it will be able to waltz to an easier victory than Tango and Cash in their eponymous movie, while I do the lambada with a Korean exotic dancer and MC Hammer breaks it down in the backround. So here is the skinny on our opponents - once you see how little these bozos have to offer, there is no doubt you will be voting HBPBUFP.

1. John McCain, Republican
Positive: The Arizona Senator does have experience.
Negative: He has so much experience that he can tell you first hand how the battle of Gettysburg was won (if you are wondering he blames JEB Stuart). Do you want a president who could turn to dust at any moment?
Issues: According to the media, McCain is a "maverick", willing to think on his own and challenge Republican dogma. He was one of the main forces behind campaign finance reforms and has strived to limit the impact of lobbyists in Washington. Promises to stay the course in Iraq and not run away like a cowardly Democrat.
Get Real: Since catching "Presidential Fever" McCain has turned his back on all these admittedly great ideas. He has violated his own campaign finance rules and has lobbyists working on his campaign. Rather than going against parts of the platform of the head of the party and current president, he seems intent on finding spots on Dubya's anatomy to kiss that even Laura hasn't found yet. When will we leave Iraq? 100 years sound good? What are we trying to accomplish there again? Has also claimed to know nothing about the economy, which I have heard, is something important. Points for honesty there I guess, but eight years of a moron heading the country leads me to believe that the apocalypse could be the result of another four.
Pastor: McCain's Pastor friend John Hagee thinks Catholics are not Christian and that gays caused Hurricane Katrina. Apparently God is annoyed by the thumping noise or something. Add to that a sprinkling of anti-Semitism for your perfect recipe of hate. Here is a good money quote from the holy man himself dealing with the Jews, " “Jews brought the persecution that they experienced on themselves and “their own rebellion had birthed the seed of anti-Semitism.” Delicious! Tastes just like that strudel Himmler's mother used to bake back in the good old days of the master race.

2. Barack Obama, Democrat
We at the Happy Bunny Freedom Patriot Unicorn Bacon Party want you to know that we are not here only to destroy Republicans, but all those who would dare oppose us. Time to trash the Dems!
Positive: He is an impressive speaker, able to convince voters that black is white, white is black, and that he is both of them.
Negative: Fancy speechifyin' ain't what is gonna take our country to the promised land. We need coherent policies and a real vision that cannot be described by high fallutin' multi-syllabic words and such. Obama has spent only one term in government as an elected representative. How can that prepare him to lead? The only other president who could boast of such lackluster experience was Abraham Lincoln and he had us in a war for five years and then died before even finishing his term, so obviously he sucked.
Issues: Obama is running on a platform which consists of the audacity of hope, unparalleled vision, and a bunch of other stuff that sounds really good in theory. Plus he wants to get out of Iraq.
Get Real: No one really knows what this Socialist pig dog will do if he is elected. We don't even know who this man is. Is he black? White? Christian? Muslim? I keep getting e-mails telling me that he is something nefarious, mysterious, and not to be trusted. You should not trust him either. He might even be a liberal. He has to be - he wants to cut and run away from Iraq before we accomplish whatever it is that we are planning to accomplish (trick al Qaeda into sending all their operatives into Iraq and then nuke it?). The HBFPBUP believes that we should not run from our commitments like cowardly liberal Obama followers want, but rather back away slowly and carefully.
Pastor: Obama's pastor, Jeremiah Wright, is black and it seems that he hates America. I personally am insulted that any black man could be upset at the USA after all our country has done for their race. Okay so the first couple hundred years were rough, but get over it already you have the NBA and NFL now.
3. Hillary Clinton, Democrat
Positive: She would be the first president since Millard Fillmore to have a vagina and Bill would be the original first dude since everyone knows Fillmore was a closet lesbian.
Negative: See above. Chicks can be completely nutso. Have you ever tried to argue logically with a woman? You might as well expect to win a game of tennis against a wall (The late comedian Mitch Hedberg tells me walls are fucking relentless). Also, unless we want to be some sort of odd alternating monarchy, we need to get out of this crazy Bush/Clinton/Bush pattern. If we want to avoid a Jeb in the White House, we need to act now, not later.
Issues: Hillary is running on her experience as someone who lived in the White House for four years. She feels prepared to take that three in the morning phone call when the world is in danger and the Superfriends have taken a vacation to visit Aquaman in his underwater cave. As evidence of her experience in this area, Hillary claims to have run through machine gun fire like Chuck Norris in order to save the Bosnian people from Lex Luthor or something.
Get real: If spending time in the President's domicile supposedly gives you the tools to become president than by that logic the White House janitor is next in line for the proverbial throne. Or maybe the head chef can get on the horn and deal with the next terrorist bombing. Oh and that machine gun fire in Bosnia turns out to have been a little girl with flowers. You have to hand it to Hillary as a politician - if you are going to lie why not make it a whopper of which Pinocchio could be proud. Oh and remember, Pinocchio will not be the only one in the White House with a wood-sprouting problem - and we are not even talking about truthfulness issues yet.
Pastor: According to Rush Limbaugh, Hillary and her feminazis are unable to go inside a church for fear that their demon-flesh would spontaneously combust. So far that fact has proved a plus for her campaign when compared to the pastor-related controversies of her opponents.
4. Ron Paul, Libertarian
Positive: He has the guts to tell the truth about issues like the deficit that most politicians are scared to confront.
Negative: Eight people are listening to him and I seem to know half of them.
Issues: Get out of Iraq, end NAFTA, protect personal freedoms.
Get Real: There is a question as to whether he is even still in the race. Rumor is he is going to storm the Republican convention with calvary.
Pastor: Who knows? I think Libertarians may be atheists.
5. Ralph Nader, Constitution Party
Positive: He did a bunch of stuff to make us safer from Corporate greedheads in the seventies.
Negative: For some unknown reason he has since made it his mission in life to destroy Al Gore. Like Paul, has no chance in hell. Currently trailing Mickey Mouse in the polls.
Issues: Bring back the Communist threat by being the Communist threat. Take away Al Gore's Nobel Prize.
Get real: Elderly Jews won't be fooled by your crazy ballots this time, you fiend. Also, Nader may drop out when he realizes Gore really isn't running this time.
Pastor: Commies are definitely atheists, I am sure of that goddamn those red bastards - they don't like unicorns, freedom, or bacon.
6. Jesse Jackson, Crazy People's Party. He's not running, but I really loved the picture, so I thought we could fit him in there.
So now that you have seen the assembled field we have deal with, you will surely jump into the waiting arms of the Happy Bunny Unicorn Patriot Bacon Freedom Party. Maybe you would even like to be our presidential candidate. Feel free to peruse our platform, which is laid out in an earlier post. That is all for now. God bless America and all her beautiful unicorns!

My Party (not that kind you worthless drunk)

Hey kids, its that time again. Every four years we have the opportunity to elect a new president of the USA. The leader of the free world. As usual we are faced with a bunch of losers and no-talent ass clowns to choose from, not to mention, only two viable political parties. That is, of course, a bunch of crap and damn near utter bullshit to boot. Now I could spend the entire length of this piece telling you how much the Republicans and Democrats are a bunch of skeezers who totally suck the anus of a six-toed Ecuadorian sloth, but what kind of a leader would I be if pointed out problems without having a solution of my own? That would be hypocritical, which of course puts me halfway to the qualifications necessary to becoming a politician. Since, however, I am a man of principles, I have come up with a platform for a new party that is destined to bring our country back to the lofty altitudinous heights of yore.
First, our new party must have a moniker. I most humbly suggest the Happy Bunny American Patriot Unicorn Freedom Party. All six words in this title bring a sense of ecstasy not experienced since my last trip on the stuff. Only a man or woman nearly consumed by their own evil hatefulness could vote against bunnies or patriots or freedom or parties or any of those other words I put in our name. Already we have a huge advantage as a party. Most people hate Democrats, Republicans, or both and almost no one can tell the difference between a democracy and a republic. Certainly these two parties are no where near as kick ass as unicorns.
Now that we have a name for our political party, we are going to need some issues. If the HBAPUFP is going to fool the American public into voting for it, we must at least pretend to believe in something that can get them fired up. Here are some suggestions:
1. Legalize drugs. In the words of JB, the tyranny and the bullshit have gone on far too long. Neither of the two major parties are pushing this idea in their platform. Since most of the people I have worked with enjoy a narcotic of one kind or another, I feel there is room for a political entity push the pro-legalization agenda. At the very least we can get the free publicity of a "High Times" cover. Hey idiot, you tell me, people who are high all the time never get out to vote. Well calm down there chopper, I have a solution. The HBAPUFP will provide free munchies and incense at all polling stations. I smell the oncoming approach of victory!
2. Vacation Days. After an eight year presidency which witnessed our fearless leader taking more time off than any executive in our long history, Americans are asking the question, when do I get mine? Well with the HBAPUFP in power, every day the president takes off is a national holiday. In addition, there will be a lottery before every holiday where the winner gets to name that holiday! Who wouldn't get excited about celebrating Magical Fairy Poop Day with a margarita out by the pool?
3. No taxes. We will pay for all government expenses with magic beans. Cancel that, apparently the Republicans have already taken that idea.
4. End the BCS. What a bunch of garbage to not have the championship of college football decided on the field. And if you don't think the American government should be meddling in sports go ahead and tell the US Congress they can't have their 209809209th hearing on steroids. I vote a 256-team playoff with all games held at Furman University. Maybe then they will quit bitching at me to make a contribution to the Alumni fund. *Reader Dan Herren suggests that employees not be required to show up until 10 the day after big football games. Great idea Dan!
5. No more new TV stations. Seriously, if we are showing marathons of "Different Strokes" there is no longer any available programming to fill all these time slots. Maybe a channel exclusively for midget porn, but after that the HBAPUFP is holding its ground on this issue. Oh and note to Coca-Cola - polar bears and penguins live on different poles so quit showing them together in commercials or I will make Pepsi the offical drink of the White House.
6. No more corporate sponsorships. Seriously, I do not want to watch a game at Home Depot Stadium. Screw that. I could not be more aware of McDonald's or Bank of America if I had their corporate logo tattooed onto my penis. And no damn commercials before movies! Is nothing sacred anymore? Time has come to return to a better era when nothing was labelled and we just figured shit out for ourselves instead of being told what to buy. (I will accept beer sponsorships for the White House if free kegs are involved)
7. No more army. Seriously, in recent years we have only used it to make the world more fucked up. Let's put our manpower to use creating things instead of destroying them. We can have a military again when we show that as Americans we have grown up enough to use it properly. If this makes the HBAPUFP a bunch of pussy-ass hippies, than so be it.
8. Increase pollution. Some people in the Democrat Party would tell you that global warming is a bad thing. This is a bunch of crap. According to recent estimations, when the ice caps melt the new shoreline should be somewhere around my front yard and I am sure many of you out there would benefit from shorter drives to the beach. Hell some of you will actually live in the ocean. I am talking beach front property brother and a serious rise in property values. We need to hurry up and melt those motherfuckers so I can get my tan going for the spring. Seriously, I bought a bunch of beach chairs and a paddleball set, let's get this done
9. More nuclear power. Not only does nuclear power burn cleaner than coal and gas, it also provides those who draw our comics with loads of material. Where would Spiderman or the Incredible Hulk be without the cleansing touch of radiation? Hell, Marvel Comics wouldn't even exist. Picture the new ads: the touch the feel of radiation, the fabric of our lives. Something like that anyways.
10. Health care. Look I already legalized drugs, just go get them. Doctors are even more over-rated than Ohio State. Hypochondriacs go nuts! Now you can diagnose yourself. Congrats you have every disease there is!
11. Gay Marriage and military service. This of course will be encouraged. It is unfair that the two things that make heterosexuals suffer the most - wives and generals - are verboten to the Friends of Dorothy. Under our watch that will of course change. No man or woman, regardless of sexual preference, should be allowed to miss out on the fabulous possibility of being bitched out by a loony spouse or an incompetent commanding officer.

Hopefully this platform will get all of you stoked about the HBAPUFP. If you have any other ideas that will help the party, please feel free to add them in the comments section and get out and vote on the 26th if you live in South Cacolacky.