Monday, July 6, 2015
Nighttime Fun With Fruit
Once upon a time, on a dark night in the heart of the Tetons, hushed tones woke me from my light slumber. The previous evenings had been hot and sleep hard to come by. My roommate and I had decided to leave the front door open to welcome the cool night air. Only a thin screen door protected us from bears, bats, and boogie monsters. The first quiet words seeped into my drowsy ear, enough to let me know that the next hour or so might be interesting. My next door neighbor, a person named after some sort of fruit, was in trouble. As it turns out, Banana? had over-indulged on a variety of alcoholic delights over the course of several hours. The flashing lights of an ambulance attested to the extent of the damage. A park ranger interviewed those involved in her fall as I listened from my bunk. Grape?, a very small-statured woman checking in at less than five feet and a hundred pounds, had downed a fifth of vodka as part of an experiment to see how fast she could destroy her tiny body. Her body responded by showing her how fast it could expel the toxins, putting on an exhibition of Linda Blair quality vomiting before collapsing in a stupor. The ranger politely suggested to Canteloupe's? friends that maybe they should not allow her to drink all the booze in the world, at least in one night. Worry not those of kind heart, Kiwi? survived the incident unscathed, although her behavior resulted in collateral damage. Her suite mate was arrested for marijuana possession when the ranger noticed a skunky smell emanating from her room. The girl's boyfriend later claimed the weed and both were fired. Surely there is some bit of wisdom to be gleaned from the wreckage of this human train, but I'll just assume that for those of you literate enough to have read this far such lessons are too obvious to bother writing down.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Fantasy I Land
Fantasy football is an obsession of mine this time of year. The playoffs have arrived and even though nothing but pride is often on the line I am gripped by anxiety. Did I insert the right guy into my lineup or should I have stuck with the status quo? Maybe you don't get the concept of all this, and that's fine with me. How can I explain why grown men would spend time compiling imaginary teams of people playing a sport and then live vicariously through their successes and failures? I could recommend watching a few episodes of the fantasy football-centered TV program "The League", although I haven't seen any of the show myself. Maybe a citation of the money won in these artificial contests would interest some folks. I rarely play for wagers, however, and I haven't had many victories when I have, but still the game obsesses me. Instead I choose to relate a tale which took place last night as an example of the highs and lows, the kind of excitement and pain that can be found from few other sources outside of heavy drug abuse.
The Setup: My team, Dick Buttkiss, had squeaked into the playoffs and faced a first round matchup with Fatter Monkey, who I had lost to in a tight match-up two weeks previously when his RB scored a very late touchdown. The Thursday and Sunday games had set things up well for Phatter Monkey. Although he trailed by 20 points, he had the high-scoring Green Bay QB and WR duo of Aaron Rodgers and Randall Cobb going for him, while I had no one but the lowly Packers kicker left to generate me points.
The situation looked bleak after one half. Green Bay's offense ran over Atlanta's defense, the feeble linebackers corpses smashing like pumpkins under the tires of a Monster truck. I led by only three points in the 3rd quarter as the Packers again neared the end zone. Because 3's come in 3's it was third down when Rodgers looped a picture to his running back in the front of the end zone. As he gripped down on the ball the right hand of a defender lurched out like a zombie emerging from the earth and knocked the pass away. Instead of a touchdown for my opponent, I escaped with a field goal and expanded my lead to 6, giving me a glimmer of hope.
Reality came crashing down on me during the next Green Bay possession. In a hurry to reach the end zone because of tight scheduling or just impatience on his part, Rodgers threw a 60 yard TD pass. Combined with a ten yard catch from Cobb I now trailed by a little over 2 points. Bad went to worse moments later when my kicker failed to execute the extra point, a one point penalty that increased the Funky Monkey's lead to 3 and some change.
I had pretty much conceded defeat when the untrustworthy bastard called hope snuck up and bit me on the ass, but in a pleasant way. A short Packers drive stalled at the Atlanta 35. At this point in the game the Green Bay coach could have easily gone conservative and punted or aggressively chosen to go for the first down. Either choice was reasonable, but he picked the third option, kicking a field goal. I had trouble looking at the screen, knowing a make would give me a fighting chance with only 4 minutes to play left in the game. The ball floated in the air for what seemed an eternity, almost as long as watching an episode of "American Idol" while being water-boarded. When it arrived at its destination the refs pulled their arms into an upright position and I sighed in relief. But the drama was far from over.
I led by 1.5 pts when the Packers recovered a Falcons onside kick. The Atlanta foosballers had made an amazing second half comeback, catching up to a 43-37 score mainly based on the efforts of Julio "Down by the Schoolyard" Jones. With just over 2 minutes left Green Bay would be mainly running, in order to eviscerate all evidence of time from the clock. I should be good as long as Rodgers stuck to handing off. Fate had no interest in such a simple finish. On 2nd down Rodgers dropped back to pass. Seeing no one open he ran into space devoid of Falcon tacklers, hurtling forward for what seemed an eternity. He finally stopped 16 yards later, a single yard more than what Felonious Monk needed to beat me. That's right, I trailed by one tenth of a point.
The Falcons had a couple of time outs left so all was not yet lost. A couple of scenarios could save me. The first would be a Packers running Td. The extra point would put me back ahead. James Starks looked like he might do it on the next play, flying downfield to the Atlanta 10 before being stopped. The Packers gave him another chance. Stopped. Then a second. Halted. Then a third. No dice. Time had now all but expired. The play clock and game clock read almost exactly the same number. Would Green Bay have to run another play? Both clocks expired and I lay my head low, embracing the hopeless state of irrevocable doom. The refs had other ideas, however - pointing out to the hastily departing Packers that they could not leave quite yet. There was still one more second. Aaron Rodgers quickly dispensed with the formality, backing up a few yards and downing the ball as the game clock reached zero. The Packers had won - and so had I - his loss of three yards had cost Fitter Mook his slim lead. I stared at the screen of my TV and then my computer in disbelief. 113.52 to 113.25.
The Setup: My team, Dick Buttkiss, had squeaked into the playoffs and faced a first round matchup with Fatter Monkey, who I had lost to in a tight match-up two weeks previously when his RB scored a very late touchdown. The Thursday and Sunday games had set things up well for Phatter Monkey. Although he trailed by 20 points, he had the high-scoring Green Bay QB and WR duo of Aaron Rodgers and Randall Cobb going for him, while I had no one but the lowly Packers kicker left to generate me points.
The situation looked bleak after one half. Green Bay's offense ran over Atlanta's defense, the feeble linebackers corpses smashing like pumpkins under the tires of a Monster truck. I led by only three points in the 3rd quarter as the Packers again neared the end zone. Because 3's come in 3's it was third down when Rodgers looped a picture to his running back in the front of the end zone. As he gripped down on the ball the right hand of a defender lurched out like a zombie emerging from the earth and knocked the pass away. Instead of a touchdown for my opponent, I escaped with a field goal and expanded my lead to 6, giving me a glimmer of hope.
Reality came crashing down on me during the next Green Bay possession. In a hurry to reach the end zone because of tight scheduling or just impatience on his part, Rodgers threw a 60 yard TD pass. Combined with a ten yard catch from Cobb I now trailed by a little over 2 points. Bad went to worse moments later when my kicker failed to execute the extra point, a one point penalty that increased the Funky Monkey's lead to 3 and some change.
I had pretty much conceded defeat when the untrustworthy bastard called hope snuck up and bit me on the ass, but in a pleasant way. A short Packers drive stalled at the Atlanta 35. At this point in the game the Green Bay coach could have easily gone conservative and punted or aggressively chosen to go for the first down. Either choice was reasonable, but he picked the third option, kicking a field goal. I had trouble looking at the screen, knowing a make would give me a fighting chance with only 4 minutes to play left in the game. The ball floated in the air for what seemed an eternity, almost as long as watching an episode of "American Idol" while being water-boarded. When it arrived at its destination the refs pulled their arms into an upright position and I sighed in relief. But the drama was far from over.
I led by 1.5 pts when the Packers recovered a Falcons onside kick. The Atlanta foosballers had made an amazing second half comeback, catching up to a 43-37 score mainly based on the efforts of Julio "Down by the Schoolyard" Jones. With just over 2 minutes left Green Bay would be mainly running, in order to eviscerate all evidence of time from the clock. I should be good as long as Rodgers stuck to handing off. Fate had no interest in such a simple finish. On 2nd down Rodgers dropped back to pass. Seeing no one open he ran into space devoid of Falcon tacklers, hurtling forward for what seemed an eternity. He finally stopped 16 yards later, a single yard more than what Felonious Monk needed to beat me. That's right, I trailed by one tenth of a point.
The Falcons had a couple of time outs left so all was not yet lost. A couple of scenarios could save me. The first would be a Packers running Td. The extra point would put me back ahead. James Starks looked like he might do it on the next play, flying downfield to the Atlanta 10 before being stopped. The Packers gave him another chance. Stopped. Then a second. Halted. Then a third. No dice. Time had now all but expired. The play clock and game clock read almost exactly the same number. Would Green Bay have to run another play? Both clocks expired and I lay my head low, embracing the hopeless state of irrevocable doom. The refs had other ideas, however - pointing out to the hastily departing Packers that they could not leave quite yet. There was still one more second. Aaron Rodgers quickly dispensed with the formality, backing up a few yards and downing the ball as the game clock reached zero. The Packers had won - and so had I - his loss of three yards had cost Fitter Mook his slim lead. I stared at the screen of my TV and then my computer in disbelief. 113.52 to 113.25.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Karma Kicks and Does Other Things To My Ass
Here is a lesson on why you should not be an ass hole. The gods pay attention and can be quick to tap you on the shoulder. Their taps are like getting hit by a sledgehammer.
I went on a vacation to Moab recently with several friends. We planned to visit Arches and Canyonlands National Park, while camping and involving ourselves in other unsavory activities favored by the degenerates I hang about with. Before leaving I could not help but point out to my snowbound colleagues at the Eternal Winter Ranch YMCA in Granby how awesome it would be to experience the heretofore-only-rumored warmth of the sun. This cruelty turned out to be beyond the tolerance of the sexy and awesome man/woman/men/women in the sky that I have always had the most profound respect for.
Vengeance came within the first day. We drove down in the middle of the night, reaching Utah by early morning, where we gaped like drooling morons at the towering sandstone canyons dominating the horizon in every direction. Turning onto Potash Road we searched for campsites and had little trouble finding one we thought to be perfect, tucked underneath a high wall and shaded by small berry trees. This was a rare green spot in the midst of an arid and barren land. We probably should have thought to ponder what might bring about this lushness or why no one had claimed such an ideal location on a busy weekend. Alas, our keen deductive powers fail to equal those of Scooby Doo and the Gang. Cue the evil and ominous music.
There was rain scheduled for the forecast, but I thought little of it. Moab regularly receives 9 inches a year of precipitation, so I assumed any shower would be minor and of little concern. The skies did indeed open in the evening for short periods of time but we were inconvenienced little, hidden as we were underneath a canopy of leaves. The rainfall was intermittent and did not pick up seriously until I decided to go to bed. Crawling into my tent, I drifted off into sleep.
An uncomfortably cold wetness ripped me from slumber. I groggily felt about my head and realized that my pillows were soaked. I was using an old tent that had been in storage for awhile, so I just figured the waterproofing had faded out of existence. I left my gear "safely" on top of the pillows and made for the truck to sleep out the rest of the night. After a half an hour or so, as my brain slowly awakened, it dawned on me I had made a mistake leaving my clothes in the tent. My T-shirt and sweatshirt were wetter than I had at first thought. I was starting to get a serious case of the chills. The rain had picked up further and I was loathe to make a run for what I had left in the tent. I took off the wet clothing, which slightly improved my condition, but there was another, more immediate problem.
Water clears out of the desert like an intestinal tract after the consumption of an entire bottle of ExLax. My own digestive system seemed to enjoy the concept, for it had decided to follow suit. Suddenly I needed to take a shit in the absolutely worst way. With nothing but a dry pair of boxers and jeans on I did not like what that might entail. I stayed inside, clenching my buttocks and wracking my brain for a solution. After minutes of searching and pleading out loud in vain to various deities to make the need to poo go away, I came upon a possible solution. A bag of napkins lay in a flimsy brown paper package - toilet paper and a toilet. My odds of cleanly executing this feat of evacuation within the confines of the vehicle were low, but I felt I had no other choice. I took off my pants and leaned onto my back, raising my legs and buttocks off the reclined seat. I held the small target underneath me with my left hand and prepared to let go. But I could not. The thought of fouling a friend's car was to much to deal with and I backed off. Besides, the rain continued to fall hard and the way the campsite was filling with water, my friends would be joining me in the truck soon. I didn't want them to escape the flood only to be stuck in my impromptu toilet.
Even so, my butt still demanded prompt attention. After a few more minutes of clenching and dithering I finally made the move. I took off my clothes to preserve them and stepped naked into the night, dashing out, planting my legs and firing, shitting so rapidly that one might have thought my hair was on fire and crap was water. I raced back inside and cleaned up, but I was still cold. Luckily, a little more searching turned up the bag of one of my friends, which contained a T reading "Bach is My Homeboy." This helped warm me a good deal and I managed to fall back to sleep.
Round two did not last very long either. I awoke to the screaming of my friends. They were standing in the downpour and shouting my name repeatedly. Jacob kicked forcefully at my tent. At this moment I also noticed the fall of water sounded particularly powerful from that direction. Squinting into the darkness I saw the source of all the commotion. A waterfall had formed on the wall against which I had set my tent and was relentlessly pounding it into non-existence like a boxer repeatedly bashing an opponent in the face despite the fact the man has already given up and passed out. I yelled to my friends from the truck to let them know I was okay and they fled to join me there. One might think I would have sat up all night lamenting the loss of so much gear (a lot of it did end up being salvageable) but I'm not a very good capitalist so I said fuck it. We were together and everyone was safe and that was the important part. I went back to sleep.
Postscript: later the next day when I told this story to my friends Jacob started to visible turn white when I mentioned the napkin container. Apparently he had picked up some similar looking trash the next morning. Needless to say, he was relieved at how the story ended.
I went on a vacation to Moab recently with several friends. We planned to visit Arches and Canyonlands National Park, while camping and involving ourselves in other unsavory activities favored by the degenerates I hang about with. Before leaving I could not help but point out to my snowbound colleagues at the Eternal Winter Ranch YMCA in Granby how awesome it would be to experience the heretofore-only-rumored warmth of the sun. This cruelty turned out to be beyond the tolerance of the sexy and awesome man/woman/men/women in the sky that I have always had the most profound respect for.
Vengeance came within the first day. We drove down in the middle of the night, reaching Utah by early morning, where we gaped like drooling morons at the towering sandstone canyons dominating the horizon in every direction. Turning onto Potash Road we searched for campsites and had little trouble finding one we thought to be perfect, tucked underneath a high wall and shaded by small berry trees. This was a rare green spot in the midst of an arid and barren land. We probably should have thought to ponder what might bring about this lushness or why no one had claimed such an ideal location on a busy weekend. Alas, our keen deductive powers fail to equal those of Scooby Doo and the Gang. Cue the evil and ominous music.
There was rain scheduled for the forecast, but I thought little of it. Moab regularly receives 9 inches a year of precipitation, so I assumed any shower would be minor and of little concern. The skies did indeed open in the evening for short periods of time but we were inconvenienced little, hidden as we were underneath a canopy of leaves. The rainfall was intermittent and did not pick up seriously until I decided to go to bed. Crawling into my tent, I drifted off into sleep.
An uncomfortably cold wetness ripped me from slumber. I groggily felt about my head and realized that my pillows were soaked. I was using an old tent that had been in storage for awhile, so I just figured the waterproofing had faded out of existence. I left my gear "safely" on top of the pillows and made for the truck to sleep out the rest of the night. After a half an hour or so, as my brain slowly awakened, it dawned on me I had made a mistake leaving my clothes in the tent. My T-shirt and sweatshirt were wetter than I had at first thought. I was starting to get a serious case of the chills. The rain had picked up further and I was loathe to make a run for what I had left in the tent. I took off the wet clothing, which slightly improved my condition, but there was another, more immediate problem.
Water clears out of the desert like an intestinal tract after the consumption of an entire bottle of ExLax. My own digestive system seemed to enjoy the concept, for it had decided to follow suit. Suddenly I needed to take a shit in the absolutely worst way. With nothing but a dry pair of boxers and jeans on I did not like what that might entail. I stayed inside, clenching my buttocks and wracking my brain for a solution. After minutes of searching and pleading out loud in vain to various deities to make the need to poo go away, I came upon a possible solution. A bag of napkins lay in a flimsy brown paper package - toilet paper and a toilet. My odds of cleanly executing this feat of evacuation within the confines of the vehicle were low, but I felt I had no other choice. I took off my pants and leaned onto my back, raising my legs and buttocks off the reclined seat. I held the small target underneath me with my left hand and prepared to let go. But I could not. The thought of fouling a friend's car was to much to deal with and I backed off. Besides, the rain continued to fall hard and the way the campsite was filling with water, my friends would be joining me in the truck soon. I didn't want them to escape the flood only to be stuck in my impromptu toilet.
Even so, my butt still demanded prompt attention. After a few more minutes of clenching and dithering I finally made the move. I took off my clothes to preserve them and stepped naked into the night, dashing out, planting my legs and firing, shitting so rapidly that one might have thought my hair was on fire and crap was water. I raced back inside and cleaned up, but I was still cold. Luckily, a little more searching turned up the bag of one of my friends, which contained a T reading "Bach is My Homeboy." This helped warm me a good deal and I managed to fall back to sleep.
Round two did not last very long either. I awoke to the screaming of my friends. They were standing in the downpour and shouting my name repeatedly. Jacob kicked forcefully at my tent. At this moment I also noticed the fall of water sounded particularly powerful from that direction. Squinting into the darkness I saw the source of all the commotion. A waterfall had formed on the wall against which I had set my tent and was relentlessly pounding it into non-existence like a boxer repeatedly bashing an opponent in the face despite the fact the man has already given up and passed out. I yelled to my friends from the truck to let them know I was okay and they fled to join me there. One might think I would have sat up all night lamenting the loss of so much gear (a lot of it did end up being salvageable) but I'm not a very good capitalist so I said fuck it. We were together and everyone was safe and that was the important part. I went back to sleep.
Postscript: later the next day when I told this story to my friends Jacob started to visible turn white when I mentioned the napkin container. Apparently he had picked up some similar looking trash the next morning. Needless to say, he was relieved at how the story ended.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Categorical Denial
I'm sick of categories. People can not be stuffed and sorted into little boxes and explained so easily. We are nuanced creatures and as such should escape these designations. For its need to separate us into groups science fails us here, as does the natural human instinct to make snap judgments about the people we meet. Yes, I'm gay but that does not begin to define me as a person. Every male I meet is not a potential sex partner. I am picky and don't consider most to be attractive. Even when I am smitten once I know a man is straight that door closes and I respect boundaries. There are many other facets of my life and as far as the social aspect, time spent playing sports, having an intelligent conversation, or quietly sharing a beer is just as important. Sadly, since I came out I find myself with more new female friends than male because of sexual tension that should not even exist.
These are my frustrations and I am sure you have yours. Our tendency to group the world into gender, race, sexual orientation, and other categories narrows our vision and blinds us to what we truly are: a bunch of individuals each shaped by unique experiences. I know I have fallen into these traps myself many times. Every day from now on I want to strive to improve my ability to understand and empathize with friends and co-workers. I want to challenge convention, not be trapped by the sort of thinking that attempts to simplify what is complex. I hope you will to.
These are my frustrations and I am sure you have yours. Our tendency to group the world into gender, race, sexual orientation, and other categories narrows our vision and blinds us to what we truly are: a bunch of individuals each shaped by unique experiences. I know I have fallen into these traps myself many times. Every day from now on I want to strive to improve my ability to understand and empathize with friends and co-workers. I want to challenge convention, not be trapped by the sort of thinking that attempts to simplify what is complex. I hope you will to.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
MLB All Name Team, The Finale: R-Z
C: Pop Swett and Pi Schwert - I haven't done a platoon in the past, but these names were so oddly similar and easily interchangeable it seemed appropriate to go with the combo platter. Pop Swett played one single season for the Boston Reds in 1890, smacking a single home run and batting .191. Pi Schwert was a .208 hitter in two years with Yankees, and might have gone on not to suck had World War I not interfered with his baseball career. After serving in the Navy, he went on to become the only former Bronx Bomber to date to serve in Congress, representing Western New York.
1b: Razor Shines -This was the hardest of choices for me and the fan vote didn't help matters by finishing in a three way tie. I have therefore played reluctant dictator and chosen this Expos scrub. Although his name does sound vaguely intimidating, his .183 career batting average and zero homers were not. Razor did achieve impressive longevity at the minor league level, forging a sixteen year career Bull Durham would have been proud of. Since retiring as a player he has managed several minor league teams and is currently with the Great Lake Loons. Honorable Mentions: Chicken Wolf, Ed Smartwood
2b: Mike Tyson - The inclusion of a celebrity has become a requirement for this list, and it is hard to beat the long series of bizarre incidents that are brought to mind when the name of a man as mentally balanced as a seesaw with a midget and a linebacker on either side is invoked. The baseball version of Iron Mike started for the Cardinals during the 1970s, hitting around .250 over eight seasons. The Northsiders in Chicago saw something they liked and signed him to a contract, probably for way more than what he was worth. That statement is true regardless of the sums as he proved to be worthless and was forcibly retired within two years of adding his name to the long list of terrible Cubs.
SS: Tony Suck - I try to let the great ones on this list speak for themselves so I will be brief. Believe it or not, Tony was actually born with the surname Zuck and intentionally changed his name to Suck. He lived up to the new name, striking out four times in eight National League plate appearances in 1884 while never managing to reach base via hit.
3b: Butts Wagner - The older brother of Hall of Famer Honus Wagner had it tough. While Honus spent nearly a quarter of a century manning the Pittsburgh Pirates infield, gaining renown as one of the best hitters to ever play the game, Butts managed only one season in the big leagues and only one career home run, which did happen to help win a game for the best named team in baseball history, the Brooklyn Bridgegrooms. The unfortunately nicknamed brother also managed to worm his way into popular culture. For some inexplicably reason Butts was depicted as an eccentric inventor during a boy's long (erotic?) dream sequence in the book The Mystery of the Wagner Whacker.
OF: Pussy Tebeau - Nuff ced. Pussy played two major league games for the Cleveland Spiders and I would like to personally thank God for allowing his awesomeness into the annals of Major League Baseball history. I might even Tebeau.
OF: Count Sensenderfer- Unlike most players on this list, Sensenderfer was not utterly terrible. Nicknamed Count for his aristocratic bearing rather than a desire to drink blood after the sun goes down, Sensenderfer played in some of the first recorded professional games in baseball history, scoring an unbelievable 200 runs during the 1868 season. He played his entire career in Philadelphia and later went on to a career in politics, serving as Count Sensenderfer, Philadelphia County Commissioner.
OF: Chappie Snodgrass- Chappie was a nickname, but his real name wasn't that great either. Born Arnzie Beal Snodgrass, Chappie gets this team back on track in the useless turd department. He managed only one career hit in ten major league at bats for a whopping. .100 batting average. OF Honorable Mention: Live Oak Taylor, Homer Summa, Rip Repulski, Chick Shorten.
P: Crazy Schmit - My research came up with two possible reasons for Schmit's nickname. The first theory is that he was released from a mental institution prior to his Major League Career. Another tidbit I found suggested Crazy was a wee bit fond of alcohol and his behavior train would remove itself from the rails of civility after a round of overindulgent imbibing. He played for the Cleveland Spiders 1898 team, which is considered the worst in the history of baseball. A major contributor, Schmit managed to win two games while losing only eighteen.
P: Mysterious Walker - What is the opposite of a sandwich? Walker's career was successful at the beginning and the end, but hit a bit of a lull in the middle. As a college athlete he starred in football, baseball, and basketball at the University of Chicago. After graduating he chose a career in professional baseball, earning his nickname by playing incognito for the minor league San Francisco Seals. This is the part that did not go so well. The Mysterious One went 7-24 over five seasons, finishing his career in 1915 with the Brooklyn side, who had now ingeniously changed their name to the Tip-Tops (they also performed for a time as the Superbas, whatever the hell those are). Following his playing career Walker went into collegiate coaching, manning the helm as a football, baseball, basketball coach, and once serving as athletic director. He certainly made the rounds leading teams at Utah St, Mississippi, Oregon St, Williams, DePauw, Carnegie Tech, Washington & Jefferson, Texas, Dartmouth, Wheaton, Loyola (LA), Rhode Island, and Michigan St - all in a span of less than twenty five years!
P: Cy Slapnicka - Like Walker, Slapnicka was another unsuccessful pitcher either unable to cope with an odd name or just burdened with a lack of talent. The man must have known something about the game, however, as he was able to parlay it into a 50+ year career. Mainly a minor leaguer, Slapnicka played at the lower levels for eighteen years and compiled a 1-6 during short stints in the big leagues. Over his decades of service he learned enough to gain employment in the Indians organization, acting as General Manager from 1935-1940, then spending the next twenty years as a scout for the franchise. His most famous signing? Hall of Famer and fellow Iowan Bob Feller.
P: Lil Stoner - Jung Bong now has a partner on the all marijuana team. Apparently the weed assisted his pitching, as the Tiger hurler managed a 50-58 career record, rather impressive when compared to the other losers on this list. He was said to have a wicked curve thanks to a deformity on his pitching hand, which he received after his brother nearly chopped the digit off. His brother was also the source of his nickname, since the young boy was unable to pronounce Ulysses or any of the other eight presidents Lil Stoner was named after. Even Stoner's great breaking ball could sometimes fail - Babe Ruth is said to have hit his longest home run off the pitcher, an epic 600+ foot blast.
P: Cannonball Titcomb - A combination of the vaguely sexual and outright bizarre, Titcomb's name exemplifies everything we look for in a great name. He is also the ace of this sorry staff, barely managing a career winning record of 30-29 and also pitching a no hitter in 1890 versus Syracuse. His minor league career included stints with the Jersey City Skeeters, the Rochester Hop Bitters, and the Providence Clamdiggers. Honorable Mentions: Phenomenal Smith, Charlie Wacker, Pete Rambo, Biff Schlitzer.
Well that's it folks, except for one last late addition to one of our earlier teams. Sometimes the nicknames aren't listed unless you go to a player's page so oversights can easily occur. While researching this list I came up a bit of nickname greatness I had overlooked. This player not only had one great moniker, he had three, and they are way too good not to be included retroactively: Arlie Latham, AKA the Dude, AKA The Hustler from Hustletown, AKA...wait for it....."the Freshest Man on Earth."
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
We Have Nothing to Beer Except Beer Itself
Earlier today, while exercising on a fake bicycle, I began thinking back upon one of the saddest days of my life. I had just entered Ohio on my cross country hike, and was excited about the prospect of having a beer or two to celebrate the completion of West Virginia. The town of Belpre did not boast many choices, so I made my way to the local Pizza Hut. To my shock and horror they did not serve beer. In fact, the entire county was dry.
The scars from this discovery have yet to heal. I have racked my brain since to solve the problem, which is bigger than mere local prohibition of alcohol. Despite evolving a great deal since Gwynzoggg invented fire and Boltroggg used it to burn down the Great Artrusian Forest in 25078 BC, mankind has not learned impulse control. As a result society has been forced to come up with half measures, laws which attempt to govern our use of alcohol, fire arms, drugs, and other useful items.
I admit, even from a personal perspective, it is very hard to perceive someone's ability to act responsibly. As a twenty year old I had no idea how to properly ingest alcohol. I'd use a bowl, funnel, can, bottle, syringe, or any other object near at hand to introduce the liquid to my liver as quickly and efficiently as possible, with no regard for the amount of consumption beside what my body chose to reject. The next day I would usually feel horrible, questioning the sanity of such mass consumption. Amnesia would thankfully offset feelings of regret and another binge was soon underway.
Or so I thought in those days. I now know as a responsible adult that drinking should be properly regulated. My youthful indiscretions are regretful, and I was lucky to survive this period of my life without following in the footsteps of the great artist and alcoholic Edgard Allen Poe, who finished up his final session by passing out in a gutter dead.
Should someone have stopped me? Maybe, but I sure would have a lot less funny stories to tell. I am not an angry drunk and no one was ever hurt physically by my actions while intoxicated. I did, however, occasionally operate a motor vehicle when I shouldn't have.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
The Baseball All Name Team: M-P
Now done with wandering the countryside momentarily, I'd like to wish the Thoughts Askew readership a Happy New Year. I would like to inaugurate 2013 by welcoming back our standard drivel, the continuation of a project I have been working on intermittently for a period of time bordering on forever, the greatest names in Major League Baseball history. We have seen an amazing list of candidates so far, from Rusty Kuntz to Ugly Dickshot to Stubby Clapp. Amazingly, only half of the players have been named Dick. Don't expect a notable rise in maturity level amongst the choices below, especially since I've allowed several of you degenerates to vote. With no further procrastination, I present to you the most apt appellations sandwiched in the directory between Duke Maas and Tim Pyznarski. You'll probably notice the high rate of alcoholism amongst our contestants.
Catcher: Chick Manlove - Our world would be a much less happy place if Manlove had not been deemed worthy of seventeen major league at bats in 1884. Never has a name sounded so ineffably gay while also retaining a tinge of heterosexuality. The extra impetus of the odd nickname gives Chick the edge over second place finisher, Kurt Manwaring.
First Base: Jackie Mayo - In an effort to avoid being gross or sophomoric, mainly to keep the audience confused, I will refrain from making any comments on the discharge brought to mind here. Mayo managed to spooge out (okay I lied) over fifty base hits for the Phillies during a short career in the late 40s and early 50s. Honorable Mention: Talmadge Nunnari
Second Base: Frank "Scat" Metha - I believe guano is an ingredient in Methamphetamine, which is without a doubt how Scat obtained his nickname. I base this stone cold fact on absolutely nothing, except that after such a short career (36 total at bats) Frank was probably in need of another source of income. Honorable Mention: Dick Padden.
Shortstop: Chick Naleway - with two Chicks on this team, I feel it likely we will have a menage a trois. Naleway surely must have gotten into porn, because like the rest of the fellows so far, he did not have a long, majestic stay in the big leagues. Two measly plate appearances in 1924 and it was all over. From a sociological perspective, I imagine the relentless heckling these players must have endured did not lend itself to great success. Predestined failure: is it all in the name? Postscript: Chick is buried in Resurrection Cemetery, leading me to think first of zombies, then of this classic scene.
Third Base: George "Doggie" Miller - Pickings were slim at third base to be perfectly honest. Miller actually had quite a long career, which according to the previously stated theory, means fans were not able to make much hay from his name. In fact, he was the first player in Pirates history to finish ten full seasons for the franchise. What sets him above the other weak contestants are his two other odd nicknames: Foghorn and Calliope.
According to Baseball Reference, he earned his most commonly used moniker by breeding dogs. The article goes on to mention he is the only player ever named Calliope (but not Foghorn) and that he was somewhat fond of obliterating his liver.
Outfield: Les Mann - Let's sing Hedwig and the Angry Inch together now! Les was also nicknamed Major, but that was before the surgery. Or was it a horrible hedge-trimming accident? Either way, he went on to have a long major league career, playing outfield for the Cubs in the days before they became consistently terrible.
Outfield: Dizzie Nutter - Some of these can only be ruined by comment. I'll let you sit back and savor the comedic possibilities of sexual vertigo on your own. Nutter played one brief season for the 1919 Boston Braves.
Outfield: Angel Pagan - Angel currently plays for the World Champion San Francisco Giants. I have not been able to confirm whether he is an atheist, but wow would that be a wonderful bit of irony. Honorable Mention: Queenie O'Rourke.
Pitcher: Dick Pole - I think by now we are all aware I can't make one of these lists without including a man named Dick somewhere. Assign the blame to my proclivities if you will, but I think if we are honest with ourselves we can all agree that a name just can't have too many wiener inferences. Dick Pole lasted six seasons in the mid 1970s, with a nicely inflated ERA above five, which he no doubt blamed on Carter's economic policies. Proving the old Shaw axiom about those that can't do, teach, Pole went on to become a pitching coach for the Cincinnati Reds.
Pitcher: Wedo Martini - Wedo wanted to prove that an Italian could go on to become something besides a gangster or a priest. With a career ERA of over 17 I'll let you decide for yourself how well that turned out for him.
Pitcher: Doug "Buzz" McWeeny - Chicagoan McWeeny, (which is something that should definitely be on the McDonald's menu), was a lot more successful than Martini, winning 37 games for his hometown White Stockings, which is a mere 37 more than Martini won. Doug also had a bit of luck in that the term Weinie did not enter the American lexicon until twenty years after he retired. It makes me want to travel back in time and give him the heckling he missed out on.
Pitcher: Cletus "Boots" Poffenberger: What determines the course of a man's life? Is he predetermined to fall thanks to a terrible name choice by his parents? Does the intemperate life of baseball carry him down into the depths of disgrace? What happened to form Boots, who had a short three year major league career, is uncertain, but we do know the result:
*During one game in Nashville the free-spirited ballplayer had a few shots of gin before he first took the mound. It didn’t take long before Boots became angry after some calls that did not go his way, and decided to fire the ball at the umpire that resulted in a 90-day suspension. In retrospect Boots admitted that he had previously taken a few beers before scheduled to pitch, and said of the umpire incident, “It just slipped up on me this time.”
Former Pirate Dock Ellis, who once pitched a no hitter on acid, was unimpressed.
Pitcher: Heine Meine - Known as the Count of Luxembourg (the area of St. Louis in which he lived), Meine was a feisty hurler who managed to survive on wits and control, as he lacked velocity. Baseball made him many connections in the world of alcoholism, which he parlayed into a second career as the owner of a speakeasy. The bar served a variety of moose milk (a combination of vanilla ice cream and several liquors) which was supposedly potent enough to peel the paint off of a battleship. Honorable Mentions: Jeff Manship, Ossie Ozborn, The Only Nolan, and Limb "Big Pete" McHenry.
*Reprinted from Chatter From the Dugout.
Catcher: Chick Manlove - Our world would be a much less happy place if Manlove had not been deemed worthy of seventeen major league at bats in 1884. Never has a name sounded so ineffably gay while also retaining a tinge of heterosexuality. The extra impetus of the odd nickname gives Chick the edge over second place finisher, Kurt Manwaring.
First Base: Jackie Mayo - In an effort to avoid being gross or sophomoric, mainly to keep the audience confused, I will refrain from making any comments on the discharge brought to mind here. Mayo managed to spooge out (okay I lied) over fifty base hits for the Phillies during a short career in the late 40s and early 50s. Honorable Mention: Talmadge Nunnari
Second Base: Frank "Scat" Metha - I believe guano is an ingredient in Methamphetamine, which is without a doubt how Scat obtained his nickname. I base this stone cold fact on absolutely nothing, except that after such a short career (36 total at bats) Frank was probably in need of another source of income. Honorable Mention: Dick Padden.
Shortstop: Chick Naleway - with two Chicks on this team, I feel it likely we will have a menage a trois. Naleway surely must have gotten into porn, because like the rest of the fellows so far, he did not have a long, majestic stay in the big leagues. Two measly plate appearances in 1924 and it was all over. From a sociological perspective, I imagine the relentless heckling these players must have endured did not lend itself to great success. Predestined failure: is it all in the name? Postscript: Chick is buried in Resurrection Cemetery, leading me to think first of zombies, then of this classic scene.
Third Base: George "Doggie" Miller - Pickings were slim at third base to be perfectly honest. Miller actually had quite a long career, which according to the previously stated theory, means fans were not able to make much hay from his name. In fact, he was the first player in Pirates history to finish ten full seasons for the franchise. What sets him above the other weak contestants are his two other odd nicknames: Foghorn and Calliope.
According to Baseball Reference, he earned his most commonly used moniker by breeding dogs. The article goes on to mention he is the only player ever named Calliope (but not Foghorn) and that he was somewhat fond of obliterating his liver.
Outfield: Les Mann - Let's sing Hedwig and the Angry Inch together now! Les was also nicknamed Major, but that was before the surgery. Or was it a horrible hedge-trimming accident? Either way, he went on to have a long major league career, playing outfield for the Cubs in the days before they became consistently terrible.
Outfield: Dizzie Nutter - Some of these can only be ruined by comment. I'll let you sit back and savor the comedic possibilities of sexual vertigo on your own. Nutter played one brief season for the 1919 Boston Braves.
Outfield: Angel Pagan - Angel currently plays for the World Champion San Francisco Giants. I have not been able to confirm whether he is an atheist, but wow would that be a wonderful bit of irony. Honorable Mention: Queenie O'Rourke.
Pitcher: Dick Pole - I think by now we are all aware I can't make one of these lists without including a man named Dick somewhere. Assign the blame to my proclivities if you will, but I think if we are honest with ourselves we can all agree that a name just can't have too many wiener inferences. Dick Pole lasted six seasons in the mid 1970s, with a nicely inflated ERA above five, which he no doubt blamed on Carter's economic policies. Proving the old Shaw axiom about those that can't do, teach, Pole went on to become a pitching coach for the Cincinnati Reds.
Pitcher: Wedo Martini - Wedo wanted to prove that an Italian could go on to become something besides a gangster or a priest. With a career ERA of over 17 I'll let you decide for yourself how well that turned out for him.
Pitcher: Doug "Buzz" McWeeny - Chicagoan McWeeny, (which is something that should definitely be on the McDonald's menu), was a lot more successful than Martini, winning 37 games for his hometown White Stockings, which is a mere 37 more than Martini won. Doug also had a bit of luck in that the term Weinie did not enter the American lexicon until twenty years after he retired. It makes me want to travel back in time and give him the heckling he missed out on.
Pitcher: Cletus "Boots" Poffenberger: What determines the course of a man's life? Is he predetermined to fall thanks to a terrible name choice by his parents? Does the intemperate life of baseball carry him down into the depths of disgrace? What happened to form Boots, who had a short three year major league career, is uncertain, but we do know the result:
*During one game in Nashville the free-spirited ballplayer had a few shots of gin before he first took the mound. It didn’t take long before Boots became angry after some calls that did not go his way, and decided to fire the ball at the umpire that resulted in a 90-day suspension. In retrospect Boots admitted that he had previously taken a few beers before scheduled to pitch, and said of the umpire incident, “It just slipped up on me this time.”
Former Pirate Dock Ellis, who once pitched a no hitter on acid, was unimpressed.
Pitcher: Heine Meine - Known as the Count of Luxembourg (the area of St. Louis in which he lived), Meine was a feisty hurler who managed to survive on wits and control, as he lacked velocity. Baseball made him many connections in the world of alcoholism, which he parlayed into a second career as the owner of a speakeasy. The bar served a variety of moose milk (a combination of vanilla ice cream and several liquors) which was supposedly potent enough to peel the paint off of a battleship. Honorable Mentions: Jeff Manship, Ossie Ozborn, The Only Nolan, and Limb "Big Pete" McHenry.
*Reprinted from Chatter From the Dugout.
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