Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sorry I haven't posted anything for a little while. I am currently in therapy in an attempt to deal with an intense addiction to Sporcle. I promise that I will return soon, once my twelve step program is through or I have finished all the quizzes, which ever comes first.
Monday, February 15, 2010
With a little less than a year remaining of his time in office, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina still has work left to do cementing his legacy to the state. With that legacy in mind, the governor announced plans today that should go a long way toward imprinting his collection of seven letters into the minds of our children: the founding of a university bearing his name.
According to trustee Rick Underhill we can expect a paradigm shift in the world of higher education. "Sanford University's mission will be to remove the liberal and the arts from the liberal arts education," Underhill stated.
Like most other educational causes during the governor's terms in office, the school will be terrifically underfunded, with a mere thirty-five cents included in the state's 2010 budget.
Ann Thompson, who has many years of experience with Sanford's frugality as director of furloughing and budgetary holocaust at the College of Chuckvegas for the last ten years, will take over as the fledgling institution's first president. "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I have been given a large turd and I plan to get in the kitchen and bake it."
Sanford spokesman Hugh Lyer was asked if the governor just expected money to fall from the sky to fund the university. "The lord will provide," he answered.
In fairness to the governor, he had planned on making a substantial private donation, but his upcoming alimony, child support,and divorce proceedings bills put a kink in that plan.
The new school will be located somewhere on the Appalachian Trail. Classes will be held outside in order to get students in touch with nature and due to the fact that the school currently has no buildings. Education majors will have a great opportunity for hands-on experience, as they will be taking over right away for the thousands of K-12 teachers the governor has decided not to pay anymore.
Unsurprisingly, the new college has been named Sanford University. Something called a Carddog will serve as the mascot. Lyer was questioned about the interesting choice. "We're trying to do everything we can to confuse potential applicants who may think they are applying to prestigious schools like Stanford or Samford Universities."
Lyer continued, "You're not writing that down are you?"
Asked if a course in Argentinian studies would be offered, Lyer replied, "I think this interview is over."
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
In a move thought long overdo by a majority of Charleston pundits, Mayor Joseph Riley has declared himself Emperor of the city of Charleston and the surrounding fiefdoms of Summerville and James Island.
Riley spokesman Thomas Carruthers admitted the time was long past due to dispense with the farce of mayoral "elections" now that the mayor's reign has reached thirty-five years in length. "Why bother?" Carruthers wondered.
The new emperor began his rule way back in December of 1975 and has won numerous electoral contests in the intervening years to retain his grasp on power. Riley, seen in the accompanying picture meeting with Italian diplomat Joey Buttafucco, was humble in accepting the promotion. "I've worked hard over the last few decades for the people of Charleston and I feel honored they have rewarded me with the responsibility of absolute power," the former mayor stated.
The coronation has been set for April 15 at St. Phillip's Church and dignitaries from all across the vast lands under Riley's control are set to attend. The Discust has learned that during the ceremony, the tri-county area of Charleston, Berkeley, and Dorcester Counties will formally be renamed Rileyland.
Charlestonians, although conservative by nature were surprisingly supportive of the changes. "Hopefully the Riverdogs will be given a new nickname as well. That has to be the shittiest mascot in the history of professional sports," commented Florence Porcher.
"A lot of the crap in this town is named after French people and the Frenchies are a bunch of dumb surrender monkeys. Its about time we changed the name of a lot of things around these here parts," redneck representative Randy Riggins remonstrated in his nearly incomprehensible patois.
A rumor that the city council is planning to annex Savannah as a present to their lord on his ascension day has not yet been confirmed by this reporter.
Republican Mayor Knox White of Greenville, in a fit of jealous rage after hearing the news of his bitter rival's coming coronation, has proclaimed himself Tsar of Greenville. The new Tsar also declared a pogrom designed to rid the Upstate of its last few remaining Democrats.
A recent survey of South Carolina state legislators taken by the Discust has revealed some surprising information. Question number six was the source of the controversy. Asked whether the assembly should meet in the current capital city of Columbia or move to the Pit of Doom, adjacent to the Dark Lord's Sanctum in the seventh concentric circle of hell, 97% of respondents indicated a preference for the latter, 3% indicated that they were not sure.
John Garner (R), a State House Representative from Chester, was asked why Columbia was given such short shrift in the survey. "Why would you ask such a stupid question? Have you ever actually been there?" Garner shouted.
Other more responsive legislators suggested Columbia's summer weather, which has earned the city the nickname "The Armpit of South Carolina," could be to blame for the show of disdain.
According to Mike Richardson, a Democratic State Senator from Florence, "When you find yourself going into a sauna to escape the brutal heat outside, I think that says a little something about the outdoor conditions."
Richardson continued, "I recall one July day my air conditioning unit just walked away, muttering under its breath that it was done with this bullshit."
Although crediting appliances with anthropomorphic characteristics may seem a bit absurd, Richardson is not alone in his feelings toward Columbia's summer weather, as the survey results and interviews with other lawmakers bear out.
Thomas Ravenelski of Anderson related the following vignette: "One day I tried to make a point about the horrible conditions in which we had to work by frying an egg on the state house floor. The damn thing evaporated as soon as I put it down on the ground."
Several legislators did cite another reason for their hatred of our capital. James Barnwell, Jr. a young Representative from Varnville admitted that the party scene was a little lacking. "When I first came to Columbia, I expected that my position would get me into a bunch of parties with mountains of cocaine and strippers hanging from the chandeliers while others would be sitting on my face. Instead, I am confronted with the stunning craptacularity that is Five Points. Frankly, I would rather not end up sharing a five-by-five cell with the six players from the University of South Carolina football team that are inevitably arrested each weekend."
With the results of the survey nearly unanimous, the legislature has already begun plans to move to a new location and is currently taking bids from several construction companies to build them a new capital inside the Pit of Doom. Bribe-taking during the project is expected to be at an all-time low. According to Garner, "We really don't want to piss off God with any immoral behavior this time around. Believe me, the last thing we want is to end up back in Columbia."
Friday, February 5, 2010
The South Carolina Legislature voted today to approve a plan designed to stimulate the state's ailing economy. In the words of Speaker of the House Bobby Harrell, the proposal aims to "turn the entire coast of our great state green."
Asked if the Legislature meant to try to cut down on carbon emissions in the coastal regions, Harrell replied,"Hell no, we are going to build a gigantic golf course stretching all the way from the sands of Hilton Head to the Ferris wheels of Myrtle Beach."
Amazingly, the project will only cost the state two million dollars, as 97% of the area included in the bill is already covered with the greens and fairways of nearly 1,000 pre-existing courses. Most of the cost will be made up easily within the next five years through the collection of cart and greens fees. "Kind of like a toll road for duffers," Harrell joked.
There still is work to do though, and an estimated 1200 jobs will be created by the new program.
"We'll just be filling in the blank spots on the map," said Chip McGee, a contractor who has signed on to complete the patch between Awendaw and Georgetown.
Early estimates indicate the course will have 3,000 holes and a round should take between three and five years to complete, depending on the quality of the player. Those with handicaps over twenty are recommended to avoid such a time-consuming endeavor.
Highway 17 will now serve as a cart path for the complex. The adjacent beaches will be closed and reserved for use as bunker materiel.
The flotsam and jetsam of humanity that reside nearby will also be removed. "There really is no reason for anyone to be in the vicinity of Myrtle Beach or Hilton Head unless they are playing golf," asserted South Carolina's new Director of Population Distribution Drew Jackson.
Jacson is charged with the task of shifting the local populace to new settlements. According to the Director, "we don't want the players to have to associate or even glimpse any of the riff-raff hanging around in these parts. My job is to make sure their eyes remain unsullied by poverty, even the middle class type. I'll be putting a curtain over the "Corridor of Shame" so-to-speak."
The Population Distribution Committee, who have been appropriated $33 to help with resettlement costs, is looking to create a reservation west of Marion, that will be known as New Daufuskie, commemorating the African-American residents of the island off of Hilton Head who had the courtesy to evacuate during the 1980s to allow a series of ritzy developments to be constructed on the island.
The news isn't all bad for locals lacking in affluence. Ten lucky current residents will be given the honor of staying to act as caddies for the golfers.